See, this is why it's hard for me to understand the no-sex thing. Why would any man want to be with a woman forever (or at least for as long as possible) and not have sex? Don't men dread the idea of never having sex for the rest of their lives?
I completely agree with you. The problem is, I agree with you because I'm another HD spouse trying to figure out another LD spouse. He does NOT think in those terms. Sex does NOT equal love for him in any sense. He does NOT dread going without sex. That doesn't mean he can never feel more desire than he does now, but he honestly doesn't feel it and that's why he doesn't make sense to you. You and he have entirely different objectives. But you have the same goal--you both want a happy marriage to the other, neither of you wants to split, right?
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One thing I AM doing right: I'm constantly telling him how much I like the cuddling, kissing, compliments, etc. I didn't study psychology in school for nothing! [g] Positive reinforcement - make a big deal out of behaviors you want to encourage, right?
Yes, and that's really important. It's common for people to try something for a little while (like his cuddling effort) and give it up in disgust if it doesn't pay off immediately. If you don't show him that it matters to you, you take the chance that he will not only stop the cuddling/kissing/touching, but even worse, will take that as a sign that YOU don't love HIM enough. You're doing exactly right.
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I know that my being late for things all the time is one thing about me that he hates and wishes to change. To tell the truth, I know this is an issue for me in all areas of my life. It's a control thing. I'm late to work, late getting home from work, late to family events; sometimes even late for fun things that I want to do. I have a real problem here. It's like I'm telling people "you can't boss me around or keep track of me." Or I want to keep on doing what I'm already doing; I don't want to stop and go somewhere and do something else.
It's a big, big deal for me, and I need help changing it. My DH is mad at me about it; my dad is mad at me about it; my supervisor tolerates it bcs she's often late herself ([g] I'm lucky at this job - the management team all comes in at about the same time I do. In past jobs, I haven't been so lucky) - and also, I'm good at my job.
That made a lot of sense and showed that you have a pretty good insight about yourself. Have you had that same conversation with him, more or less in those same words? What happened?
In the discipline system I use with at-risk kids with severe behavior problems, there are five steps to apologizing and dealing with a severe behavior (for example, this is what you'd have to do if you got kicked out of my classroom and wanted to come back) 1. I did it. 2. I'm sorry. 3. It's a problem in my life. 4. I accept the consequences. 5. I accept help.
You're up to step 4. What will you do about step 5?
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Anyway. I'm not sure if I want to talk to him about feeling like I was being punished the other night. I know that I have a tendency to get paranoid, over-analyze things, and assume I know other people's motives. That could be where the "feeling punished" feeling was coming from.
OTOH, I also know that I hate unpleasantness, scenes, and difficult conversations. That could be why I don't want to talk to him about it.
I have the same issue. I find that it helps me to talk to her about what I was feeling even if I've decided it was wrong, or even if I don't feel that way anymore (sometimes I THINK I've decided I was wrong and I don't feel that anger or hurt anymore, then discover by talking it out with her that it's still there.) As long as you talk about how you feel/felt and don't try to make it what is/was, I think it really helps. Your mileage may vary, of course.
"When I wanted to have sex the other night, and you laughed, I was really angry at you. It felt like you were laughing at the idea of having sex with me, like I'm so unattractive that it's funny that I thought you would want to have sex with me."
vs.
"It makes me angry that you think I'm so unsexy that it's a funny joke for me to think you would want to have sex with me."
