Finding My Way

[Mystik]

While I am scraping by, having the money now would definitely help me. I don't have receipts for everything, but I do have account summaries from the doctors that I matched up to the charges in my bank account. I'm still unsure of where I'm going to get the $400 from to pay for the lawyer.

I know that I need to let H go. But it feels like letting go of H means letting go of any hope of him returning. Like if I don't hold on tight now I'll never have him again. It destroys me to know that six months ago he hated where he was, couldn't wait to move out of there, that he missed me. And now he's chomping at the bit to get free of me and is so happy with his life. Meanwhile I'm still here struggling to come to terms with the hell that is my life and existing day to day. I can't understand how he can be so callous to not care that he destroyed my family. My life. Me.

No one wanted me before H, and now that I'm fatter and have a kid I'm confident that no one will want me now. And I don't want anyone but H.

[NotFromThesePart]

No one wanted me before H, and now that I'm fatter and have a kid I'm confident that no one will want me now. And I don't want anyone but H.

Mystik, speaking as a guy about your age with no kids, I can tell you that your kid is in NO WAY a deal breaker for me and honestly I don't think it would be for anyone you'd want to be with.

This is hard, but it will get easier.

[Vulcanized]

I know that I need to let H go. But it feels like letting go of H means letting go of any hope of him returning. Like if I don't hold on tight now I'll never have him again. It destroys me to know that six months ago he hated where he was, couldn't wait to move out of there, that he missed me. And now he's chomping at the bit to get free of me and is so happy with his life.

That is how it feels. Whether or not that is how it plays out is another story entirely. Why would you want this man back now? That is what I don't understand. Maybe down the line, when/if he changes. But now - he's a manipulative bully. You really are better off w/o him now. If H doesn't change, you really are better off w/o him.

Meanwhile I'm still here struggling to come to terms with the hell that is my life and existing day to day. I can't understand how he can be so callous to not care that he destroyed my family. My life. Me.

I understand where you are. I am, as well, but to a lesser extent [no DS & his whore isn't pg]. I will be damned if I give H the power to destroy me, my family, my life. Even tho this sucks enormously, more than everything else I've ever experienced [including having my house sold for more drug $$$], I still decide each & every day that this is my life. I can laugh or I can cry. It's easier to laugh. I am devastated that H has f&*ked me up so badly, but I refuse to let him turn me into an emotional cripple. Every single day, I try to make my NEW life into a fulfilling one. I know it's slightly easier for me, being childless, but it still sucks the same.

No one wanted me before H, and now that I'm fatter and have a kid I'm confident that no one will want me now. And I don't want anyone but H.

The negative self talk isn't helping you. Big deal if you think you're fat. You can lose weight. The idea that you can't want anyone other than H is distressing to me. H has bullied, manipulated, lied and treated you like garbage for 2 years. And this f&*king guy is the only one you want?!? F*&k him! H isn't fit to scoop out your cat litter box, yet alone have a lovely, devoted woman like you. You have to believe that you are worth more than this. Until you realize that you deserve more than this bull from H, you'll continue to be mired in this sitch. There are so many ppl in the world that would love to have a woman like you. Men that would treat you like a queen. Your H chose a damaged whore over a good woman. That is HIS choice - it doesn't negate or lessen YOUR worth. You have to internalize this truth. Until you really believe that you are worth more than this, I think you won't be able to move forward in a way that is healthy for you.

As for the post from earlier in the week about whether or not to file under A, I'm still at an impasse & unsure what I think. I didn't forget you, just not sure what would be a good idea for you.

[Mystik]

Notfromtheseparts ~ Thank you, it's good to know that there are men out there who are ok with kids.

Vulcanized ~ Logically I know that he's not my H, he's an alien right now. But when I see him he still looks like my H and my mind can't separate the two, if that makes any sense. Add to that all my memories of our time together and it's so hard to just let go of that. And yes, I have no self esteem and am very prone to negative self-talk. Oh, the joys of depression. Even with all the medications I'm taking for it, I'm still not out of the woods. As for my weight, I'm going to weight loss surgery because I've been so unsuccessful on my own. However until I am more mentally stable the doctor won't approve me for surgery. And with the size I am that definitely doesn't help my self esteem or mental state. So I need the surgery to feel better about myself, but need to feel better about myself to get approved for surgery.

[Mystik]

I'm annoyed today. I know it's petty, but it still bothers me.

I was planning to restart my PC business this month but now I can't because H is refusing to reimburse me the $1,597 he owes me for his half of car insurance and DS's medical co-pays. So I have to put off restarting my business until at least December while I continue to play catch-up on the bills I haven't been able to pay due to covering H's share of things.

And if I decide to take him to family court and/or divorce court over the money it's going to cost me a minimum of $700 in lawyer fees. So anything I do manage to get out of him is going to go straight to the lawyer.

[TimeHeals]

And if I decide to take him to family court and/or divorce court over the money it's going to cost me a minimum of $700 in lawyer fees. So anything I do manage to get out of him is going to go straight to the lawyer.

If you have a good case, sue for your legal fees too. Problem solved (of course... he has to pay you, and collecting is another problem).

At any rate, it's just minor life crap. Crap happens, you deal with it, you keep on rolling.

[Mystik]

I know I can sue for legal fees in divorce court, but not sure about family court. Have to call the lawyer on Monday and find out about that.

As for it being minor, that's not so true. For me it's the difference between having enough money to pay my electric/gas bill and get gas and groceries, or having enough to pay my electric/gas bill or get gas and groceries. Thankfully this time I am able to scrape enough together that I can do both, but what about next month? Or the month after that?

But I am dealing with it and trying to keep on rolling.

[Mystik]

And another thing that annoys me that I can't post anywhere else? I know a girl from another message board, her and her husband are on track for divorce because he is gay (although now he's saying he might just be bi). They are just waiting to finish college and then are going to divorce. But anyway, right now they are TTC a second child together using at-home artificial insemination because "we're good parents together and will always be friends". She has even talked about her and their first DS moving to their own place while she's pregnant! Oh, and they also just adopted a puppy together with the plan that when they do divorce she gets there DS and he gets to keep the dog.

Meanwhile I am here desperately grieving my lost opportunity for a second child with my H because he went and had that second child with Whore. I can't even talk to this girl about her choices or anything because I just want to scream how irresponsible they are.

[Mystik]

Really good thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2090253#Post2090253

She is right, sometimes I just need someone to listen while I do a brain dump because it's all too much to keep locked inside my head and it's just going around and around in circles.

[newmama]

Mystik I agree with you about how irresponsible the girl from the other message board is being!!!

I am curious- are you more than 80 pounds overweight? Is that why you are wanting the surgery? Remember, we don't know who you are, so you can share on here. I did- I told folks how I went from a size 20 post birth and now I am a 10. I am judging you for the surgery; I am just curious about how big you think you are vs what you really are. I hope I am not offending you!!

On another note--
All of us LBWs need to dig up "She Devil" and watch it together! Wouldn't that be fun? I tried to find it but it is not on Netflix.