I have been wanting and wanting to post, but just no time.
Which in itself is telling--last year this time, I did little BUT post and read and weep, etc.
So I must be spending my time on other things: work; community theatre (Wind in The Willows! Opened Thursday! Adorable!)
I wanted to post that I found out that
a) the Happy Couple eloped to Montreal for their Wedding.
I knew X would choose October for their wedding, as that was our anniversary month.
b) the Happy Couple is Expecting a Little Bundle of Joy.
Now, that knocked me back quite a few steps! Had to get the doc to prescribe some anti-a, which I haven't needed in a while.
I did say, back when this whole thing went down, that I would "laugh my a$$ off" when She "caught" pregnant. I knew that X's and mine, and our friends, chosen childlessness is the minority opinion--most people want children.
So I thought that X would have to deal with Her wanting kids sooner or later.
I never imagined Sooner!
X is the sort of guy who would not start a project unless he knew EXACTLY how each step would work out. He wouldn't start replacing the cornice molding on the peak of the house cause he couldn't figure out how we would reach the highest peak for the last nail.
And, so, to start a family BEFORE their house was even closed on? (Baby due March, so Happy Event in July; moved into their house in August)
I'm dying to know if this was a "Surpriiisee!!" on Her part, or a "I love you so much, I want you to have my children".
My friends and therapist tell me to let that go. It's not my business, it's not my problem.
I'm trying.
Mostly torturing myself with X LOVES her SO much he either is willing to have a baby to make her happy, or way too weird--suddenly WANTS children.
The very first question I asked him, after he said "I'm leaving you" was "do you want children?"
I guess I was floundering for a reason deep enough for him to do such a thing.
He said "no." But of course, at that time, they had only been together 3 months, so he didn't know yet, perhaps, that she felt her clock ticking.
AAHHH!! you see how much space in my head this is taking up? I'm at work, way behind, and this is what I am worrying about.
The good thing about this is that it does more and more to pull him out of our circle of friends.
The bad thing--I guess what hit me on the deepest, unconscious level--is there is no going back.
I didn't think I was thinking or hoping that in any way. But I guess the LBS always has the fantasy of: He'll be sorry! He'll ask my forgiveness one day!
And so this is the final final nail in the coffin. Even if he crawled back, and I were interested (not gonna happen, I know I know) there is no way it could work because he would always be tied to her through the kid.
So I guess my heart/mind/stomach/soul just felt that final click, and the sorrow and grief came back to the top.
I know many of you here have dealt with this. I appreciate any words of support.
Rocked--I want you to know I have been reading along but just unable to get to post. I will be able to catch up now that the show has opened.
LFA--Still thinking about you! I want to know if your darn D is finally final!
