Albuquerque living

[Albuquerque]

Another update.

Mentioned in my last post that H had planned to send me an audio recording. He recorded himself and his thoughts while he was driving to a nearby town. It was very interesting listening.

It was basically a long dissertation on what he thought the problems in our M were, how he saw I had changed dramatically since the bomb, and how he wanted to make similar changes. He listed what he felt were his biggest issues. He admits he's not sure exactly how to tackle changing them, but he hopes that his IC will help (his first appt is on Monday). He said some very interesting things from an "understanding the MLC mind" perspective. The most interesting thing was that he said he noticed over time that our interactions were getting better and better. He said that I was becoming increasingly pleasant to be around. And as a result, he actually found reasons NOT to come by the house because it directly conflicted with the reasons why he was supposed to be leaving! I found that a perfect description of the MLC mind. "I'm liking you more and more therefore I don't want to be around you because you're supposed to suck!" LOL!
Anyhow, he said that the last few months, he's really started to see some major changes and that really got him questioning everything. Once again, he mentioned how NOTHING in his life has improved since he left. And in fact, he's taken several steps back. He said moving out was supposed to help things but it just ramped up his frustration. He went from having a home to having an empty apartment with no pans, plates, furniture etc. He went from working a lot, to working ALL THE TIME. He said that he saw how D was gradually drifting away from him and having her spend the night at his place made him realize just how much sharing custody would suck. (At the time, I didn't see ANY of these thoughts coming from him. He seemed oblivious and content to me).

He then went on to talk about the future and what he wants from the future. All of his talk included the words "we" and "our". It was "our" home and "our" bed and "we" need to get new towels etc. It was talk about initiating date nights so that we don't lose sight of one another again. He asked what my thoughts were on a timeline. He said he knew he still had stuff to deal with (I'm assuming he meant OW issue), but that he was thinking of the future. He said that for the first time in forever, he feels hopeful. He said that he is conflicted in a way because he is so impressed with the changes I've made and knows that in a way, none of them would have happened without him leaving. He said that what makes him happiest is that he can see that the changes that I made were made for ME. They weren't made for HIM and that makes them real. It's not as if I'm changing my actions to fulfill his needs. The changes are from within and to borrow a phrase from the commander in chief "That's change he can believe in". He stated he knows he still needs a lot of work but is looking forward to working on himself.

I sent an email response whereby I agreed that he had hit the nail on the head with the issues he needs to tackle. I also mentioned one minor one. I told him that I didn't feel like we needed a timeline. It'll take as long as it takes and I didn't want to rush anything. But I also told him that I didn't feel like anything thus far had been rushed. I told him that I didn't feel like he needed to be "fixed" before coming home but that I needed to see some forward progress in motion and that his starting at the IC was a very good first step. Many of the actions he's also taken (like taking part in our family WAY more than he has before) is also a good step. I said that financially, it would certainly help if he came home and that perhaps staying in the extra room as a transition (when we felt the time was right) would be a good step. I also mentioned that I would prefer he undergo STD testing (and offered that I would be happy to do the same) before we do anything serious.

He didn't really respond to my email but texted me throughout the day about various things. Talking about taking trips together etc. He came over after driving home and he introduced me to chocolate shots while D was at her school's football game. But even before the alcohol hit my system, we were like two teenagers. We seem to have an inability to keep our hands off each other anymore. He respected my boundaries but it has been difficult.

I continue to be a little shocked and pleasantly frightened(?) at the speed of this change. In retrospect, I think he had probably started some of his reconnecting a few months back. It was clear he was envious of some of D and my activities and he'd ask little questions every so often. He has always been in fairly regular contact with me but if I think about it, I do think it was progressively increasing. It got so bad that I finally stopped turning on my IM because I felt like it could be turning into some sort of cake eating. I felt like he didn't deserve to have access to me as often as he was wanting given the situation. I was so content with myself and the life I was leading that I don't think I was even really looking for signs like that. I still felt like it would be a year before I'd have any hope of anything. I was waiting for him to schedule his NEXT trip to the midwest or even plan to move there. Amazing how things can change so quickly. It wasn't even a month ago that I spent the worst anniversary of my life wondering where I might be in a year (legally separated, divorced?). I would NEVER have suspected I'd be where I am today.

I still don't know what the future holds but nothing that H has done has yet made me doubt what he's said. It's only been a few days since he said he plans to leave OW so that will be the biggest thing I'll monitor. He said he spent the entire drive home yesterday telling him mom how amazing I was and how much change he's seen in me. I haven't said anything to my parents yet. They love my H and I know they'd be thrilled to hear good news. I'm just not comfortable yet talking to them. Maybe once OW is out of the picture, I may go there. Until then, I'm still slightly wary but admittedly very hopeful.