Hi Lance
Thanks so much.
I'm still reading so many people, different people similar story, different endings.
I have done counselling and have worked my way through all the stages. I am mostly accepting now although like anything else sometimes you can slip back into other stages.
my marriage is dead. Doesn't mean the feelings are dead or the possibility for a new relationship but the old had to die.
Even if I didn't think it was broken obviously it was, and no matter the comfort I had with it I don't want the old relationship as it would just end up broken again. I do not want that. I want a new relationship.
But first I want to rediscover me.
I can't worry about what his motives are or his moves or try and work out what his thinking.
I can't worry about how my every move may affect him.

I can control what I do.
I can control how I want to be.
I can examine how I helped in the breakdown of our marriage.
I can work out what I want to do.
It is all about me looking after me.

it has taken me a long while to be able to think about him and me without crying.
To understand that it wasn't me although I still carry some guilt which I will purge over time especially as they sting when bought up.
I am learning how to deal with the emotions rather than ignoring them or bottling them up.
I have been very lucky because although estranged from my family (and believe me it is healthier that way toxic very toxic) his family love me, I have some very good friends that have supported me.
But I needed to find people who understand where I am and why I am doing this. To find people who I can talk to without being told I have to move on. Or that he is a lost cause. I need to find people who will 2x4 me when I need it and give me insight to what maybe happening with me.
I needed to understand what happened. And although I may not fully comprehend I now have something I can grasp.

I want my life for me. I want my life so I can set the example for my girls. I want it all and hey if H joins in the end that's a bonus if he doesn't my life is complete anyway.

And man I like to talk.

One day i hope to be able to read other peoples threads and offer help but at present I don't think I am much use.