I want to be part of the group...

[Jstar]

@Kara, i'd like to thank you for taking the time to read my posts. I set my internal deadlines and didn't follow thru with them. there have been many times that i have filled out the divorce paperwork, and never did anything with it.

Why? H wants the divorce, h needs to be responsible, i'm not going to make it any easier for him, he can do it. he has gotten better about support and i'm trying not to be so negative about it. i did cut corners, had to get it car, but also had to make my monetary situation exist without depending upon money from him.

I prepared myself today to ask him a question, knowing and bracing myself for the worst, but also not knowing if he could seriously be honnest. as handing off kids, switching cars in my work parking lot, i started: you know it's coming up on a year here we've been seperated, i find mysyelf assuming alot and that is not good, i just ask outright, you've been with other people right?, he laughs and says, "yeah" then in the next breath says while shaking his head "no'. these are normal responses i would get, don't know why i would expect anything else. probably why all through our relationship, i could never tell what was up or down, going off of what he has said and then comparing it to his actions, i never know and then trying to trust my gut feeling,.

as i'm typing this i'm thinking, what the heck are you doing jstar? that is your focus, whether he has been with other women? so i also asked him what his schedule was, something i have done and asked for since what may/june.

i had to put it to him like this, i recently had a week off, fall break, he had no clue it was coming, he's like i can pick the kids up sometime, i say, no did you plan it out a week ina dvance, did you provide me your work schedule?

so the whole 10 days he doesn't see the kids, doesn't inquire teh whole time how they are doing nothing,. come back to work, monday was horrible he flacked off showing up at my work to pick them up, i had to scramble to get care for them, tuesday messes with me, me driving horrible to his place to get the kids to him, all in matter of 15 minutes rush hour traffice. i did it made it, but full of drama.

wed better, thurs better, friday i inquire. i put it to him like this, if you did provide meyour schedule, i probably would ask you to watch the kids so i cuold get my haircut or something that i can not do with the kids.

so he says well i'm off saturday mornings, i stop and look at him and say, you are off saturday mornings and you don't go to d3's soccer practice? he answers, well i'm sleeping like a baby, so no i don't go.....i usually would have jumped off, calle dhim so many names etc. but i just left it at that.

you are right, he is not ready to be a responsible father or husband,, i know this. so back to again i'm stuck.

should i wait to the official year of being seperated and be the responsible one and file? that is how i feel i am stuck. but that can just be a formality.