Finding My Way

[Vulcanized]

I know that I need to let H go. But it feels like letting go of H means letting go of any hope of him returning. Like if I don't hold on tight now I'll never have him again. It destroys me to know that six months ago he hated where he was, couldn't wait to move out of there, that he missed me. And now he's chomping at the bit to get free of me and is so happy with his life.

That is how it feels. Whether or not that is how it plays out is another story entirely. Why would you want this man back now? That is what I don't understand. Maybe down the line, when/if he changes. But now - he's a manipulative bully. You really are better off w/o him now. If H doesn't change, you really are better off w/o him.

Meanwhile I'm still here struggling to come to terms with the hell that is my life and existing day to day. I can't understand how he can be so callous to not care that he destroyed my family. My life. Me.

I understand where you are. I am, as well, but to a lesser extent [no DS & his whore isn't pg]. I will be damned if I give H the power to destroy me, my family, my life. Even tho this sucks enormously, more than everything else I've ever experienced [including having my house sold for more drug $$$], I still decide each & every day that this is my life. I can laugh or I can cry. It's easier to laugh. I am devastated that H has f&*ked me up so badly, but I refuse to let him turn me into an emotional cripple. Every single day, I try to make my NEW life into a fulfilling one. I know it's slightly easier for me, being childless, but it still sucks the same.

No one wanted me before H, and now that I'm fatter and have a kid I'm confident that no one will want me now. And I don't want anyone but H.

The negative self talk isn't helping you. Big deal if you think you're fat. You can lose weight. The idea that you can't want anyone other than H is distressing to me. H has bullied, manipulated, lied and treated you like garbage for 2 years. And this f&*king guy is the only one you want?!? F*&k him! H isn't fit to scoop out your cat litter box, yet alone have a lovely, devoted woman like you. You have to believe that you are worth more than this. Until you realize that you deserve more than this bull from H, you'll continue to be mired in this sitch. There are so many ppl in the world that would love to have a woman like you. Men that would treat you like a queen. Your H chose a damaged whore over a good woman. That is HIS choice - it doesn't negate or lessen YOUR worth. You have to internalize this truth. Until you really believe that you are worth more than this, I think you won't be able to move forward in a way that is healthy for you.

As for the post from earlier in the week about whether or not to file under A, I'm still at an impasse & unsure what I think. I didn't forget you, just not sure what would be a good idea for you.