WAW 20 years and wants out

[Pensacolabroken]

Also a question.. it is a fine line between standing up and losing traction by confronting her and that seems like persuing.. need some help articluating the boundries I guess.

[gutwrenching]

It is not pursuing when you stand up for yourself.
"We can discuss that when you have calmed down and treat me like an equal"

It is not pusruing when setting a boundary
"I feel disrespected when you continue to give your emotional attention and needs to another man. I have decided I will not live in an open marriage."

[Pensacolabroken]

GW,

Good advice. Timing is what matters. THere are no arguments right now she just comes home and does her thing.. I have seen small incremental movements back to center..

If I start to talk about it she just walks away. She refuses to discuss it.. at least finally I have her headed to MC.. that is a HUGE leap from the last 10 days.. somee of the poeple on here are using DB and they STILL have not gotten the spouse to MC.. My wife said SHE would go with me if I was serious.. that was after telling her I was going to go myself and she vollunteered to go also.. (she probably didnt think I would schedule so soon and the time of the day gave her a reason to revolt) but point is she has agreed to go.. that has to be recognized in DR as monitoring the results.. and my DB Coach recommended I NOT bring up OM because that makes her feel good.. so why try to make her feel about D*(@ Bag?

[pookie69]

Why does she insist of agreeing to go to MC only if YOU are serious?

Am I the only one wondering about that?

She behaved badly but she is looking for your share of the commitment to go to MC.

[MrBond]

You're being set-up. This is what's going to happen...

She's going to use the MC as a way to blame you or to come up for reasons why she's been unhappy for years. Some will be true, some not. Many people here haven't been to MC because the timing wasn't right.

It doesn't sound like the time is right for your sitch either. MC will not work unless the OM is out of the picture. MC works when both parties at least have an interest in saving the marriage, no matter how small. Your W didn't even invite you to her TKD event. That's not the sign of a woman who is open to R.

It's the sign of a woman who is keeping her options open. She has you for a paycheck and the OM for her emotions. Who do you think is she more in to?

If at the very least, be sure that the MC you go to is very pro-marriage. That is a must! Your W will spew all sorts of things that would make your head spin. Be sure the MC you choose keeps things in perspective and in line.

[pookie69]

There is more to it and it wil blow open.

Be ready for what you're not telling us.

[Pensacolabroken]

MR Bond and Pookie.

I am listening..

She came home tonight.. Black belt awarded.. I congratulated her. She was pissed. I told her I am proud of her accomplishement from the last 9 weeks. She replied it was from the last 2 years.. I said yes.. I was there for those.
She is still angry I exposed her EA with her TKD partner.. she brought it up with lots of anger yet we kept is civil.. I used my 180's. She informed me she was going on a Girls Night Out and she would be out Friday and Saturday 22 - 23 Oct. I asked where.. she said "It wont be with a man".. I doubt it..

I told her I still have respect for our marriage and I will tell you where I am going.. she said "we are seperated" I said what does that mean? she said "Seperated" so yea alarm bells are going off.

I have changed my position.. I am going to counseling.. I have to for my integrity.. she will go or she wont. I told her I want the marriage to be different.. not the same but better.. that I acknowledge my mistakes.. but she has respponsibility to admit her part also.. and it starts with that OM.. she didnt want to talk about him.. I broke off the conversation and told her I was spending Sunday with my Dad, we would meet at the house at 400pm for our drive up for MC..

I am LEANING HEAVILY into going dark and dating after the monday MC..

I am getting angry with her refusal to accept her role..

thoughts?

am I freaking losing my mind?

[Pensacolabroken]

and I told her I was happy for the 20 years.. she admitted there wer happy times.. I told her she is re writing the past because it is easier to leave angry then happy.. but she will have to discuss her EA eventually.. every time I bring him up she shuts down.. I am going to make some decisions next week I can tell...

[Pensacolabroken]

pookie I have told you everything...

[Pensacolabroken]

MR Bond.. i will be back to your logic. you my friend are speaking with big medicine...