Oh I like sunset reflections but all of them are nice! 7th Heaven is good too, will be anxious to hear what you come up with Barb, your good at that, you'll come up with the perfect name!
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
I am vacationing with my 2 youngest in Nova Scotia. Rented a house which is so cool but also gives us each our own space. Each of us is contributing to making meals, cleaning up etc.
Last night after dinner and over a good bottle of wine, my son and I revisited his anger over his father's behaviour. He tells me he can't let go of the anger even though it has been 9 years. I talked to him about venting to others, having a heart to heart with his dad or writing it all down but not sending. I'm not sure if he will do this. We also talked about counselling again - even suggesting that he go with his dad so they can work something out. He did not sound open to it. I worry about the long term effects of the anger.
I told him that I was past it all and free of him but the kids were not and it really would be best to move forward with him from here. He again reminded me that if his dad had ended the marriage and then moved fwd - that would have been different but he made a huge mess of things and lied to him so many times that he just can't get past that. And does not want to. Younger sister (who stayed in the next room - she wanted to listen but not really participate in the conversation)agreed. She told me (for the first time) that she had found a card from maggie to Chuck early on (I never knew this before but had also seen the card) and that is how she knew he was cheating. She says the reason she does not want to have maggie in her life is because of the way she always taunted us. Brandon agrees, saying even his dad has now agreed that maggie left all kinds of clues in our house and cottage so they would be "found out"despite the fact she was married and had a son. She wanted out and wanted Chuck.
Both kids said the biggest reason they don't want to forgive their dad is because he has never apologized to them. He has never shown remorse. I totally get that. It was what made it so hard for me too.
I revisited the idea of them suggesting a vacation with him - just as they often do with me but perhaps like this one - renting a cottage or house so they had their own space - they think it is a great idea but not with maggie.
He just bought a new BMW convertible and showed it off to them. They were not impressed as he has regularly cried "poverty"since he left. Interesting how the second the youngest is no longer in school he runs out and does this. But oh well - I knew this was how it was (that he did have $ - I paid him out mega bucks) but now they know it too.
So anyway, that's my update. They believe it is still ALL ABOUT HIM. And they will NOT do it his way.
Both kids said the biggest reason they don't want to forgive their dad is because he has never apologized to them. He has never shown remorse. I totally get that. It was what made it so hard for me too.
So anyway, that's my update. They believe it is still ALL ABOUT HIM. And they will NOT do it his way.
Barb
Barb, forgiveness is such a hard thing. I feel sad when I read "they don't want to forgive their Dad" because what they are holding on to is hurting them. So often we live our lives waiting for someone else to do the thing that we believe will set us free and they never do. In fact, they seem to be living just fine while we're wallowing in whatever dark feelings we're harbouring. The biggest reason they should forgive is for themselves, to lift that dark cloud. Dad is who he is and will most likely always be what he is. Forgiveness does not mean condoning, it means letting go of the need for that person to be what we want them to be. I guess my point is that they need forgive for themselves, not for him. It's easy to say but sometimes so hard to do. We as human beings sometimes amaze me at how we will continue to hold on to hurts that do nothing but keep us down. I think in the mind there's this little voice saying "If I let go, it will mean it didn't matter" Not so! Btw, were you able to share with the kids how you've been able to let go and what worked for you? Anyway, just some thoughts off the top of my head. Gotta get to my work now. Enjoy your holiday!
DB is back. I had given up ever reading on here again. I'm glad. Although I have moved on - it still helps to be able to come back here to share certain thoughts and dilemmas.
I totally agree with you about the "forgiving is for them" but even though I finally got there myself (well, for the most part), I can honestly say I'm not totally sure HOW I got there. I guess time, a determination to get past it and his continuing bad behaviour were what did it for me. But then - I CAN let him go. I CAN stay away from him as we do not co-parent (we never really did). But the kids want SOME R with him.
I think it might be best to remind them that what he wants (them coming for dinner and accepting maggot) is HIS ideal but it is still up to them whether they're ok with that or not. Brandon feels that HE wants to be in the driver's seat - not his father. And I guess that is his call.
Hey Barb It makes me sad to read about B and A and how they still have so many unresloved issues w/ their dad, it is good though that they have you to talk to about this! I remember a friend of mine going thru a D same time as me, her S was only 6, and she said, I was so lucky that Ry was 17 when ex left , I thought lucky?? 17 is hard enough! its tough at any age! I understood what she meant --that he gets it, but lucky? no.
Its always been a wonder to me , hearing about how our children dealt with our exs' leaving, some to this day do not speak to their fathers, some have strained R, mine is up and down,very up and down- they've vacationed together, ( after ex left his gf!) because he finally had time for Ry, yet Ry feels his dad has abandonded him again by moving across the country, even tho hes an adult, he still feels that way, but yet they do have a R, Ry told me, he loves his dad but the respect is not what it should be, not like a son should have for his father, that made me sad, even tho ex deserves it, Ry dosnt.
I do hope that B does find a way to deal with this.. like What said, its hurting B every bit as much as Chuck , sad but true I do also thing, maybe?? its harder for sons, daughters from what I've seen seem to forgive their dads a bit easier, not sure , but from the situations I've seen.
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Thanks for your input. I agree that there are few if any kids on these boards who don't have some anger or bitterness about their situation. I'm glad your Ry has some contact with his dad but still sad that he feels abandoned, even as an adult. In some ways I DO think it is easier on younger kids as they often don't remember how it was as much and they usually have more contact with both parents with joint custody or shared visitation.
Brandon has been dating a new girl for a few months. It is not serious yet although he would like it to be. He often worries about her being a big "distant". Well it turns out that her dad cheated on her mom and left her and her 2 siblings as well (eerily similar). Her worry about involvement seems to be stemming from this. I've cautioned him about getting too close too fast as she seems to need time. (she was also travelling a lot this summer as she is a teacher and moving). But he has reassessed the situation and really enjoys their time together. He will continue to see her and enjoy their time together - then see where it goes (yes he got a bit of advice from Mom on that since he asked).
So maybe this Mom did learn something about life, love and the pursuit of happiness in all that went down. I continue to struggle daily with living with a 22 year old daughter who seems to think she owns the place and guilt over the fact I'm moving away soon. Brandon supports the move and reminds me that he was out a lot younger than his sister. I know he will say the right things to her when the time comes if there is stress and also to his father when he freaks that I'm taking Ryan out of town.
But my future looks SO much better. So much less drama. Josh is so even tempered. We seem to deal with things in a mature, non-threatening way. Even the tough stuff. And when you are purchasing an expensive dream home together - there is a ton of stress and so many decisions to be made. But I know that communication is key and although I'm doing more of the legwork at present while he is at work (setting up utilities, moving company, legal stuff etc), I keep him informed and he does his share too. We are now at the point of taking out life insurance on each other as we will own the house jointly. This is a HUGE step.
And he has finally told his family of our plans - well his sisters at least. His parents will be told during our Thanksgiving feast this Sunday. He has taken some ribbing from sisters, brother-in-law. Seems they figured he'd be a bachelor forever - but maybe not. He has been good natured through it all.
And that is a sharp contrast to the other man I was married to. A man who provoked drama at every turn. A man who made LIVING stressful. A man who treatened and seemed to always rain on my parade. But in my new life - that is NOT happening. I guess I just never believed that any of this was possible. But let me tell you - a relationship in which you SHARE is the best. In which you love and enjoy each other. That should be the goal. Anything less is not worth it!
I remember once sitting down and talking to my girls about what was happening between their mom and myself and their biggest fear was that I might walk out on them like a lot of their friends Dad's did. I told them "I can't promise you that we'll always be together like we are now, but I can promise you that I will never just leave!" My youngest said "if Daddy says he won't do it then he won't do it. My Daddy's not a liar!" It's so hard on them even when you've done everything right. My oldest told me a few weeks ago that she misses when we were a family like before. I said "I miss that to, but some times things just don't turn out the way you want them to. But, I think we do a pretty good job together, better than most families in our situation" She agreed. It tore my heart out but what is is!
Whatitis Your right , it is what it is, every parent would love to sheild thier child from any and every hurt in life, but alas thats not going to happen, just as I am sure , even tho I was in my 40s, my parent's couldnt sheild me from the hurt of ex leaving, although I know it hurt them prob as much as me!
We can only do our very best to help them through it on their own timeline and their own way, like you Barb, when B is ready, he may want a R w/ Chuck, I know someone who didnt speak to his father for years, until he was going to get married and his future wife, urged him to bury the past w/ his father, they are so far doing pretty good!
Cant wait to hear what Josh parents say about the house! You all get along right? Did you ever decide on a name?
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
I've been cleaning and sorting and packing for my move. I came across a newspaper clipping from the day we split up - over 9 years ago. It was the Horoscope. I remember clipping it in the morning - hours before ex got arrested and the inevitable happened. More than a month before I confirmed the ongoing affair...
"Sudden changes in partnerships will come as a surprise. It's likely that things are going on behind your back. Quiet action is the best revenge."
Funny the things that come back to you.
Tommorrow I will attend the wedding of my godson and his lovely bride. The groom's father was my ex's best friend. They have not spoken since the split. Ex has no best friend anymore. How much he lost that day...
