Benn M 7 years. W left 2 months ago. No infidelity on either part - mostly financial issues which led to smaller issues being bigger ones. At first W would have no communication - after applying some DB techniques she now texts or calls (mainly about resolving financial issues or about daughter 3.) Been "dark" in recent days - over which time she did not communicate until today. I'm not sure how to read her communications. Is she reaching out to me? Or is she just trying to get things straight on her end to file for divorce. She has stopped mentioning divorce, but I know a couple of her relatives tell her divorce isn't a bad thing. She stopped wearing her wedding ring a few weeks ago and wears another ring in its place that we bought together. She comes from divorced parents and stated to my mom just a year ago that she could never do that to our daughter. I've been steadily making the changes in myself that she has been looking for - but I fear it may be too little too late. I'm being cautiously optimistic at this point - but I don't want to give hope where there really may not be any.
Sometimes I feel she is paying attention that I am changing and other times she just doesn't seem to care. She hasn't talked in terms of divorce lately. But today she suggested that we were not going to be back together. Its hard to stay positive when I'm not getting any clear positive signals from her. There are some encouraging signs here and there. Still, she does not want me doing things for her as she said, "I don't want to have to owe you." Nevermind that she doesn't owe me anything, but I'm still trying to respect her viewpoint. I'm still just not sure the "baby steps" are genuine or if I'm seeing something that's not there. At the very least this forum gives me an outlet to get a third party opinion from someone not close to the situation. I really want her to wear her wedding ring again - that would be a huge step for us.
Don't mistake her not talking about divorce or separation for a change in her plans. Don't look for encouraging signs, you'll end up mindreading, and eventually you'll join a lot of left behind spouses (LBS) in the looney bin.
I can relate to that. Worst thing we can do is monitor WAS's behavior, looking for signs they have decided we are "worthy" of "keeping" us after all. I find myself doing this here and there, in my "weak" moments and it really cuts my soul. Doing so only sets us up for another fall. Don't we all deserve much more than we are getting out of our R's? Why do we want to save the M anyway? Different reasons for all of us, but we need to be honest about that....
Why do I want to save my M? Because I genuinely love my W. We also have a wonderful daughter that we both care deeply about and want to provide her a stable family life.
My W calls and texts me at various times to check to see how I am doing. She also texts and calls about random things - like how she found a new bottle of wine that was very good. I try not to entertain these messages so as to be "dark." We tried a counseling session shortly after she left. When the counselor asked if she still loves me she answered, "yes, I still love him." She admitted that she is very angry and the anger and hurt runs very deep. Too deep to overcome maybe. But I have to try to make things right and keep hope - for us and for our daughter.
I'm honest with myself that things may not work out - but I won't give up - not yet.
Hardest lesson to learn here is to "let them go" because most folks first fell like that is giving up. You can't change someone else. You can't make someone love you. You can't make someone decide to be in the marriage.
Do you really want to be with someone who is not committed to you (can't decide)? No matter how much you love them, that is a lost cause. Your only hope is to set them free and maybe then you will have a chance.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
I haven't posted on my thread for a while. Any suggestions on whether I should open up a little more to my wife or stay 'dark.'
I slid back incredibly a few weeks ago - pursuing like crazy: buying gifts, writing a letter, calling, etc. Even begging her to go to counseling again (how unattractive I was acting) All that did was push her away and caused her to get angry - guilt on her part. I asked if she noticed my changes (mistake) she said yes, but that it didn't matter now.
So I reread DR and went back to being 'dark' except with concerns for our daughter. We met in person last week to dicuss a couple of financial things. Afterwards she asked to go to the store with me (which she hadn't even wanted to see me, let alone go anywhere with me while I slid back.) Then she pulled back and changed her mind. But we continued to talk about nonlogistical things and parted in really good moods, laughing with each other. I went dark again, then a couple days later she text me about our daughter and then text me Good Night - which she had asked me to stop telling her while I slid back.
Back to dark. A couple days went by and she text me again about our daughter. I responded once - she text again several times. I did not respond. A half hour later she text me again wondering why I hadn't responded and suggesting something for my lunch for the next day.
Saw my wife in the morning as she met me at daughter's daycare. She ALWAYS arrives there a half hour earlier then she did this day. She knew I wouldn't be there until that time. Did she wait to get there when she knew I would be there? Dunno. We gave a kiss and hug bye and as she drove off I caught her looking back at me and she waved. Spent day with daughter while W and I texting back and forth a little. Nothing monumental in the texts. Then she contacted me again that night with just a simple question. I responded.
I have absolutely changed my way of thinking - no more chasing, etc. Have made the changes for myself that I needed to. I am a much better person and can be a much better husband and father now.
Are these signs of her softening? I don't want to go overboard and scare her away. Should I stay dark now or ask her to do something as a family again? When I first started DR (before I slid back) she would soften and then pull back incredibly. Any suggestions?
