How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

Each episode is the same. Since he told me on Sunday night that he didn't consider me as his wife anymore, I sent no word at all. So I got a message yesterday to ask when and where for the pick-up (children nos. 2 + 3) today. I answered last night with a bare place and time. He answered back with "kisses" and a greeting. Tiny movements, but the consistent element I can observe is this: I step back and don't contact him (even about kids), he steps forward and adds a little warmth to his message. Then if I'm friendly, he retreats a mile. It's so tiny it seems foolish to count it. It's like watching grass grow.
He took the kids this AM in town, I just left them off and said "so long" and walked away.He came back with them this evening while I was out, but was still about when I arrived home. I stayed friendly and distant, he started to prattle on about his schedule this weekend and next week. If I'd asked him, he'd have shouted "rape"! Didn't need to tell me anything.

Just keeping up with the latest. How long will I have to do this little dance? He's ok once he's the one controlling the conversation; any contradiction or question - even from the kids - and his voice gets loud and hard. On the defensive. He'd put things into a bag at the bottom of the stairs; I asked the kids when I came in "what's in the bag?". They're always dragging stuff 'round the house and I thought it was time for a tidy-up speech. He was in the back kitchen and shouted "they're MY things". Came up all flustered and ready for a fight, although my question was not even aimed at him. Who wants his old underclothes and work jeans!
Was similarly affronted when I told him I'd bought a new drum of cooking gas at the garage. That used to be his territory - a drum of gas is very heavy and awkward. It's as if he's gone, but any sign we're ok without him is an affront. He can give info, but you can't ask him anything. And you can't cross him about anything, or he gets very defensive and ready to blow. It's like dealing with an unpredictable new species.

Now I won't see him for a week or the best part of one. And unles there's an amputation or something, I certainly won't text or even answer his texts.
Under the Volcano should be my pseudonym.
NCU

[hurtinhartford]

Hey NCU,

You need to take control of the reigns by contacting your L and begin a formalized speration agreement. Until you do he will take every advantage of your good nature. NCU you have to start thinking about your own happiness and future without him. Do you really want to be M to this immature cad?

[pinhead]

I step back and don't contact him (even about kids), he steps forward and adds a little warmth to his message. Then if I'm friendly, he retreats a mile. It's so tiny it seems foolish to count it. It's like watching grass grow.
NCU

Hey Volcano!

My W does the same. Yesterday morning I was preoccupied with our Ds school progress reports, and she thought I was mad at her. Awkwardly gave me a goodbye hug (second contact she's initiated). Now that she knows I'm fine, she's back to her old ice queen behaviour. Well, not ice queen, that's too harsh, but she's gotten quite good at shutting down. She brought me a book from work that was a thoughtful gesture, so not totally ice!

I would limit your contact with H, even when he comes back. You're proving your independence with the license, and the cooking gas, and that hurts a mans ego to think he's unneeded. And since he's such a powderkeg, he needs to learn that you won't accept his CB. Don't!

Be mysterious! Don't offer information, make him inquire. Be catnip. Be the Volcano people make sacrifices to!

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks a lot you two!
HIH, I'm not ready (nor is my bank account) to call in the law yet, but I get your point. I suppose he was always a bit of a kid in some ways - aren't all men? Only (half) codding! he used not be a cad or anything like that, let's say he's exploring that side of his personality at the moment. I'm prepared to give him a lot of slack, but although I'm very patient, I have my limits, and I might well surprise even myself one day when those limits are reached and there'll be no way back.

Thanks, Pinhead, for the bit about the volcano people make sacrifices to. I've been too long the thingy on which people wipe their feet...

Must go, it's shockingly late in France. School tomorrow.

NCU

[hurtinhartford]

NCU,

Good to hear from you. I can see that you are beginning to detach more and more each day. Believe me I felt that it took forever in my case to detach and I know I still need to continue the work... Great that you are getting your license and becoming more independent. Continue the greta work and remember don't get sucked in when your H is all warm and cuddly, because it will only hurt more when the CB returns.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks, but what's the CB? Cad Bounder? Crash Barrier? Creative Bull sh***er? I could go on, but I can't see it. In a way, I'm glad to detach, it's saving my bacon, but I feel ashamed of myself for fading the love I felt for this person, I'm actually afraid that if he continues on the route he's chosen for long more, there'll be nothing left for him to come back to after a time.
I spent months feeling miserable as sin, waiting and hoping for a twitch or a tiny sign. For my own sanity, I've had to take a break from hoping and praying. I'm trying to live the present well. I hope I'm not commiting too great a sin in leaving him to his own devices and putiing him in a "box" on a back shelf.
NCU

[pinhead]

CB= Crap Behaviour.

[TimeHeals]

I hope I'm not commiting too great a sin in leaving him to his own devices and putiing him in a "box" on a back shelf.

Umm... it's way better and way more healthy than ... say chaining him to a bed and then hobbling him with a sledghammer like Kathy Bates did in that movie, "Misery".

You would be codependent if you didn't let go. You will be just fine. Soon the anger will be gone too. You just deal with the stuff you have to deal with and have a good life.

[NotCrackingUp]

I don't have a sledgehammer handy and isn't that just as well... I just feel that by detaching I'm betraying my 'better or worse' vows. But it became clear lately that it was detachment or depression, and I can't afford the latter. Saving my skin, but I feel guilty.

Thanks for the translation, Pinhead. Crap behaviour it certainly is. The worst of it is that I'm nearly certain he will NEVER recognise it for that or apologise to a

[NotCrackingUp]

... to any one of us. Even if he does come back, he'll not want to lose face, and I've swallowed too much pride (and crap) lately. So it could be hard even if he did decide to come back to the M. Even if...

He texted me tonight, "Kiss the kids for me. Good night". I'm not answering. I always used to, with a "good night" or something. But the "I don't consider you as my wife anymore", for some reason, was a bridge too far. I felt it like the ultimate slap in the face, after all the efforts I've always made to fit into his life, family and country, and seeing that I'm still looking after his kids 3/4 of the time. It feels rude not to answer, but I've stayed dark all this week. I saw him for 30 secs on Wednesday, all told, and have sent no texts. The ball is in his court, and who cares about being rude to a fellow who's made it his stock in trade for the last 6 months.

To you lot I can say a heartfelt goodnight, though. This forum has helped me so much. I try to imagine what you are like, what you look like, sound like. I've even got mental pictures of Mrs Pinhead, Mrs HIH, Mr Dagny etc. Being able to sound off, getting feedback and also seeing others' situations have really helped me grow and survive, so far.
Have a good weekend.
NCU