Thank you all for your input. Hearing what you are saying makes me wonder why the DB coach says I should let him stay in the house. The DB coach is definitely not saying this because it's assumed that is what I want to hear. As I mentioned earlier, intuitive for me = asking him to leave. Counter-intuitive=doing what I'm doing now.
Rob - thanks for posting another response. Perhaps I am quick to assume I'm being demeaned because that's what I'm letting H do to me. I totally get why you wrote what you did. I wish I could have you and Coach sitting on either shoulder whispering to me what to say to him when I decide to make my move. Again, it's hard for me to be cruel so I can't fathom using any page out of H's rulebook.
Don't be cruel, be kind.... to yourself, you deserve better, when you start believing this, when that level of self-esteem rises up to a point where it's around a foot above your head, that's when you will realize your value, your self-worth, that's when you will say "enough is enough! I deserve better, if he doesn't want me, well there's a 1000 other men that will and I like those odds very much!"
This is a bit of a stretch on my part to make this assumption but I think something happened in your relationship a while ago, somewhere your hubby found out that he could treat you badly and you would just take it and continue being there for him and he kept pushing past all your personal boundaries to the point where he stopped respecting you enough to be able to cheat on you and then have the guts to come back home and tell you he hasn't decided between you and the OW.
When you finally find that self-esteem, you will grow a spine and start to stand up for yourself, you will know that it’s impossible to truly love yourself & draw self-esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self-esteem drops just a little bit and it signals others to continue treating you badly. Stop allowing this to happen, for you first & foremost and also to set an example for your children for when they're old enough to comprehend this subject and have learned from a good example (you) on how to stand up for themselves.
And know this.... I want you succeed, I don't want anyone's marriage to fail, but before that... I want people to treat each other better, I want respect to be commonplace, I want people to stand up for themselves and stop being afraid to stand up for themselves, and to speak up for themselves when they're being used, abused and treated poorly.
Find that voice of yours, speak up, be loud, no one can hear you until you start speaking up for yourself, don't expect others to do this for you if you won't even do it for yourself.
Even if I was there, standing next to you, and I confronted your husband, (and re-arranged his molecular structure) and told him everything I'm telling you, for it to be real it would have to come from you, because when I left, he would know that he would be dealing with you again and if it's the same old you, it will be the same old him taking advantage of you.
Something needs to change for this to stop, don't expect your husband to be the one that changes, you have to be that change and it can't be temporary.
I think you can do it, I have faith in your abilities, right now we're waiting for you to have faith in your own abilities before you can pull any of this off.
