Coach - I did set a boundary, albeit perhaps not a very powerful one. I told him I was not going to have a third person in our marriage so if he were going to stay, he would have to end all communication with her, which he said he did. And about which he is very angry and resentful. He obviously is not focusing on healing our relationship. I think a lot about the shoe being on the other foot, but he does not. I think he is too self-absorbed at the moment. But what would that look like, indeed? It's hard for me to even conceive because when I imagine the darkest, most dysfunctional places in my heart and soul, I know I would never be capable of treating another person the way he is choosing to treat me (and I know, I know - I am choosing to accept this treatment).
Starsky -not meaning to appear dense, but can you elaborate? Not sure I caught the meaning behind your quip.
Reading all of the posts so far, you mentioned that you possibly felt like I was belittling you or demeaning you with my response.
Let it be known that was never my intention. I don't beat up strangers, that isn't good karma.
I offered advice, strong advice, not for the weak of heart.
One thing that I continuously quote in several threads on these forums (aside from the ever popular "don't put up with crap behavior"), is to let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you. Until you do this, you will never convey to your spouse that this is real to you, that your marriage meant something to you and you weren't going to hang around as plan B until he got his $hit figured out.
While you wait patiently for him to make a decision what is the impetus behind him to ever make a decision, regardless if it's to stay with you or to be with her? If you let him, I'm sure he wouldn't mind having 2 "wives". The good wife at home to cook and clean and wipe his wittle bum bum and the "bad" wife to have that great exciting hot sex with?
Think about it, you let him have his cake (or pie) and eat it too. He has been sexual with this other woman, think of the message that sends to you:
"Wife I don't respect you or the marriage we have, and I will willingly go out and sleep with other women and I don't care how that affects you and I will come and go as I please regardless of the effect on you and the kids, I hope you understand this... well actually it doesn't really matter if you understand, I'm going to do it anyway!"
(and he did do it anyway!)
- something to think about.
You want him back badly, fear of loss will do that to a person, what happens when you flip that script? Currently he has nothing to lose, he has you, he knows it, you're the one pushing for the marriage, standing tall on that rock of love and commitment, proud of your marriage and your spouse, "lovingly detaching", paying for a DB coaching, asking advice on these DB forums, etc. etc.
Is your husband putting that much effort into you and your marriage?
I don't think so.
Take a page from his play book and flip the script and do to him what he's doing to you and watch if he sings another tune, I'm putting money on the fact that if you put the fear of loss into him, he'll be the one begging you to take him back - and you would be the one taking your time with that decision ;-)
But that's just me, and this advice is given freely, with no guarantees, I can only offer one more thing that I believe Coach has already mentioned: continue doing the same things and continue expecting the same results. You want different results, you will need to do different things.
Coach - I did set a boundary, albeit perhaps not a very powerful one. I told him I was not going to have a third person in our marriage so if he were going to stay, he would have to end all communication with her, which he said he did. And about which he is very angry and resentful. He obviously is not focusing on healing our relationship. I think a lot about the shoe being on the other foot, but he does not. I think he is too self-absorbed at the moment. But what would that look like, indeed? It's hard for me to even conceive because when I imagine the darkest, most dysfunctional places in my heart and soul, I know I would never be capable of treating another person the way he is choosing to treat me (and I know, I know - I am choosing to accept this treatment).
Starsky -not meaning to appear dense, but can you elaborate? Not sure I caught the meaning behind your quip.
Barb,
I meant that (if I read Coach's old posts correctly) I think Coach did exactly that: laid down a hard line (including legally) with his wife. Although I'm pretty sure there wasn't any infidelity involved (Coach, correct me if I'm wrong here), it was very effective for him. I think his wife might even post on here.
She does....she is the "Greek". And she is good too......very good....
The Queen of Diamonds.
Some say her skin has the texture of a dolphin’s, and that wherever you are in the world if you tune your radio to 88.4 you can actually hear her thoughts...
Last edited by pookie69; 10/15/1006:29 PM. Reason: Stig edit
Thank you all for your input. Hearing what you are saying makes me wonder why the DB coach says I should let him stay in the house. The DB coach is definitely not saying this because it's assumed that is what I want to hear. As I mentioned earlier, intuitive for me = asking him to leave. Counter-intuitive=doing what I'm doing now.
Rob - thanks for posting another response. Perhaps I am quick to assume I'm being demeaned because that's what I'm letting H do to me. I totally get why you wrote what you did. I wish I could have you and Coach sitting on either shoulder whispering to me what to say to him when I decide to make my move. Again, it's hard for me to be cruel so I can't fathom using any page out of H's rulebook.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
Dysfunctional Belief. Setting healthy boundaries are loving to all parties.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
