WAW 20 years and wants out

[gutwrenching]

she is NOT activly out with this guy

Not relevant. If she is emotionally attached, that is just as bad...she is spending all of her emotional energy on OM. Not good.

so I ask her if she is still in touch with or contact with him?

Nope, she will lie or at least minimize what he means to her. "We're just friends."

If I push this she will not go to counseling with me

If she isn't committed to you and making your M work, which it sounds like she isn't, then counselling is a waste of time...so don't worry about that

dont except her and her "friend" doing anything together.. nothing.. and she must break it off

Too controlling. Need to make a boundary. I'm sure some others will be able to provide you a much better way of phrasing that