Near WAW with EA - almost textbook sich

[doing my best]

Well...it has been over 2 months since my last post.

In summary....

Last Joint session W ended with "as husband and wife we are through...but as friends and parents we are not". How did we get here???

Well...throughout the summer I made a lot of changes to myself and habits. W noticed them but has said she is happy for me....but she feels nothing. I have done pretty much everything except LRT and going dark. MC tells me these are her issues now and I need to let go. Problem is we get along great now....better than we have in a long time. I spent the summer with her and we went out....brought in new experiences....made a bunch of new friends....I showed my deeper side and engaged her...we drink wine out on the back porch nightly and just talk. Basically I am everything she would want and she admits it....she even told me she enjoys spending time with me……but says she still cannot find her feelings for me and therefore she wants to separate.....be on her own....less stressful than truly working on marriage....but wants to be good friends.

She has been soooo resolute about separating it is really not like her to stick with ANYTHING so strongly. After 5 months of MCing, she basically said in the last joint session "nothing has changed with her since first walking in the office in May". That was a shock to me because I thought we were in therapy to work on M....apparently she went to figure out how to get out and move on.

I think you folks get the picture. Basically our root problems came down to the Boundaries in Marriage. Reading that book has enlightened me. She had no boundaries and I trampled onto her emotions. She responded by increasing her lovingness and affections….I unfortunately got worse. Now that I have placed my boundaries in place on myself….she just wants to leave the relationship. Has not wanted to work on anything. Blames me for all of her non-successes, and sees leaving the marriage as a way to save her soul….find herself….rebuild her self esteem. Yet…..outside of any affection or touching….she acts like we are having the absolute best relationship.

Also....old BF does weigh in here. W says to me in mid-August that old BF was the man she was supposed to marry. Of course she starts crying and recounts how he abandoned her 23 years ago right after college graduation. In fact, she recounted the story to me again 2 weeks ago and still cries. She has told me multiple times over the months that she has feeling for him, but realizes that she cannot have a relationship because he is married with 3 kids. Look up the word Limerance here. She has not recanted that statement and Unfortunately I am in denial because I can see she has moved on emotionally….but I keep holding out hope. If she had the money she would be gone today although we still joke and laugh and talk. Cannot figure it out. Thought that my 180 of being the guy she always wanted….actually the one I always wanted before kids, stress, frustrations, anxiety, etc….would be all it takes. Apparently not.

MC says that I need to not be so accessible, and not let her have the cake and eat it too. MC says much of the same stuff I read here. Problem is ignoring and not being romantic and not engaging her in a fun way got us here….in addition to the Boundaries thing. Support friends say that I need to get mad. I am having trouble doing that. Anyway, at this point I am going to focus on the those 36 DB points. Tried early in the summer but thought that going back to the fun H would be the ticket. It was not.

I will keep you folks posted.

DMB