XH is marrying OW after only 5 months of D!!

[lea74]

Also meant to say that I got an email from XH asking me for my bank details for my first maintenance payment being made tomorrow. Really didnt expect that - he knows my details they have never changed. Also email was pretty polite - I was expecting him to be nasty about paying - it has taken me a year to get him to make payments.

Oh well. Hopefully funds will be in tomorrow.

[ClingingToHope]

It's automatic in Illinois. When it's over it'll come directly from my check.

[lea74]

So, have had a reply to my thursday nite visit email. It goes along the line of:

We (XH & OW) have had a long discussion about the visits and agree that they (XH & OW) should be cancelled as they are unpredictable and we are not sure about timing etc.


WTF!!! Why are they unpredictable, this is what you agreed to. If you had a dentist appointment you would just cancel it at whim. These are your sons!!!!

And why could he not make a decision about our sons on his own or with me their mother. NOT HER!!!!

Trying not to let this get to me, so having a rant here before I explode!!

[lea74]

I was thinking about responding with the following email. Probably wont as I know it is just a knee jerk reaction!! It will end up in drafts with all the other rant emails.

Hi,

Well actually thursday visits should not be unpredictable, on timing and availability as this is what you agreed to, to enable you to see our sons. However as you are finding it difficult to keep this comittment, is the reason I suggested the cancellation of the thursday night visits.

p.s. So glad you were able to make this decision about our sons, on your own. Good parenting skills

Any input??

[lea74]

Hi, thanks for the reply. I think it is great that your XH acknowledges you still as your child's mother. You are right though it is like a puzzle with them, finding out which pieces fit them best to make their perfect little world.

To be honest I think my XH would be happy to strip me of all DNA as he doesnt acknowledge me as their mother. In fact he never has. Even when we were married he always thought I never did enough. I work part time so he could pursue his career and travel and as and when needed. I did everything related to the kids, school runs, home, activities, doctors as well as all the housework and also work. Really not sure what more I could have done. My XH considers OW and my sosns to be his familuy now - even said so to me. Every decision he makes about my sons, she is included and consulted. Me - never.

I am just his babysitter - just looking after his kids until he is able to see them. He also cancels all arrangments at his whim and assumes that I will be available to watch them - apparently I dont have a life. Also when he does cancel the arrangments it is never with me - but via my kids.

All very frustrating.

[lea74]

After a bit of reflection and calming down, I thought this may be a better response:

Yeah, that is why we have made this decision as we think it is really important that structure is maintained for our sons and that they know what to expect. I am sorry that you feel unable to keep this comittment to our sons though.

WE = my sons and I and some input from my mom and sister.
OUR = XH and Me

Any thoughts now??

[lea74]

Hi, being in the UK it is done via bank transfer if you have a private agreement - which we have. I checked this am and of course as suspected it is not there. Really hope his keeps his comittment and pays it today, as I am now over my overdraft (whats new!!)

I think he feels that he is giving me the cash - to go shopping maybe. However it for his sons, to feed, cloth and house them. I have my own money dont need his.

[lea74]

Sorry, lots of rambling today. Money has been transferred - he left it until the last minute before it was due. (Typical!!)

Sent XH a text earlier to say that son had been chosen to represent the school. I know, I probably shouldnt have text him, but sinisterly I did as OW used to text him all the time, (and I mean all the time) so I was just bothering them back.

Blew up in my face though!! He texted back to say THEY were both proud - puke!! They also then each sent my son a text on his phone. One from dad, one from OW. OW said, sending you (my son) an extra big hug. Barf!! She has been warned about texting them previously as she did it all the time. However, I guess now she thinks she has a right as she will be their evil step ...... (sorry not ready to acknowledge that yet).

I really dont know how to handle this anymore!!! I am their mother - why wont they both just acknowledge that - I am not going anywhere and I look after my sons 99% of the time. This behaviour is just really disrespectful. I think my expectations may be too high!!!

[figgeroni]

Hi Lea
I am sorry as I have not read all your story
I am just going to throw something out there for you to consider

lets say this woman really loves your sons...
what is the problem in letting her show it

she will never be their mother

I am the psuedo step-mother to C's daughter
his ex-wife HATES me (I had nothing to do with their marriage or break up as she cheated on him and did drugs and left him and their daughter)
anyway
she hates me
she blasts me on facebook
accuses me of everything under the sun (the latest but not worst is that I only make food from a box...yes she said it in court)
she won't let me talk to her teachers
(long story as to why she has A right now...sufficed to say it won't be long)
or speak to her on the phone (she hangs up the phone is she hears her talking to me)

all I have done is love A

Your place is secure, your boys know who their mom is


I have learned that it is our own insecurities and hang-ups that get us in the end
and
if she is giving half as much time to thinking about you as you are to thinking about her, their relationship won't last very long

our time is short
focus on what is important

leave the rest behind

[Gypsy]

Hi lea..

Sorry you're still going through this. I have no answers.. just what folks shared with me and what I found worked.

1. He's gone and has been emotionally withdrawn from you well before the divorce.

2. No matter how right you are, he'll never validate you or take accountability for his actions.

3. You are no longer part of his life, kids or no kids. You may be the mother of your children but your the woman who shares custody with the kids.

4. The more it's about him (and her) the more you become and/or stay stuck in a victim role.

Yes, it hurts. Yes, it is extremely unfair. Yes, it's tough on the kids. But that man no longer has your back. Every time he has to deal with you he feels cheated that he has to pay you money. You remind him of what he doesn't want to remember.

I hurt myself far worse than he ever did by getting stuck in fear and frustration. It's like having a severe wound, getting it treated then spending all the time picking at it so it never heals.. possibly getting infected in the process.

The pain of divorce, the betrayal of being left without having a say create a raw nerve that's agonizing.

The kids are YOUR kids. And becoming a single parent changes parenting dynamics.

The former spouse immediately married his paramour and they are now expecting a baby. My feeling is that babies are a miracle and should have all the love possible.

The only thing I care about is how things effect/affect my kids. Not the former spouse's life, his wife, reasons for how, what and why.

It's about me.
It's about my kids.
It's about providing a safe, secure home for the kids.

There is no 'our' in divorce.

As convoluted as it sounds, kids need both parents especially after a divorce. And they're getting a stepmom who wants to be engaged in their lives which is better than one who wants nothing to do with them. As difficult as it is for adults in divorce, it's terrifying for the kids.. because there's so much loss.

You're a good woman.

*hugs*