I'm now healing and moving forward

[ericmsant2]

Update/Journal:

Recently I have experienced more “cordial” communications with my W over the past few weeks. Nothing R related just stuff about the kids.

IMO, it is probably her trying to maintain some civility between us, which is good for the kids. At the end of the day, we will need to maintain some level of communication as it relates to the kids – so civil is good. It is pretty clear that right now both of us are working to ensure that this causes the least amount of pain to our children. It is funny, my W returned for her “parenting class” (required in my state to get a D) and said to me…”Eric, you do not need to go – we are doing all the right things”. I agreed with her and said yes, we both want the best for them.

As quick as she seemed normal, the MLC side of her reared it ugly head. She started telling me a story about some 40 year old women that was getting D’d and wanted to start dating but could not find anyone in her age group that she wanted to date. My W response to this women was “honey, you need to go get yourself a boy toy” (I actually could not believe she said it to me – it just went to show me how far gone she is). W then followed that comment up with “and I told her..what you really want to get married again – are you crazy”.

MLC is a funny thing…you can actually see some of the teenage behavior in them. Sad but true. Although I was taken aback by the comments I just replied “ok” and walked away. Ya know it is funny, I look at her and wonder if she even realizes what she is saying/doing. I have no clue and refused to spend any energy trying to figure it out. All it did for me was made me feel sorry for her.

Anywhoo….The other day, I asked her if she had plans with the kids for Halloween (I had them last year) and she said No. To which I replied okay, then I will take them to X town to go trick or treating. She responded with – okay then I’ll go too. I actually stared at her for a second (yes in amazement) and then said fine.

I am not looking at this anymore than it is which, is a time that my children will experience the two of us together, which is good for them. Funny my expectations at this point are so low that I actually expect her to cancel at the last minute. Either way, it really does not matter to me. I have not mentioned it to the kids so that they do not get their hopes up.

About a week ago, when I really started to see some depression, my D comes up to me and says that mommy is sad. My response…okay. My D asked if it was “okay” to sleep with mommy and I said sure honey anytime you want. Toria looked at me with those cute little eyes of her and said thank you daddy. I reiterated to her that both mommy and I love her very much and that anytime she wanted to be with mommy that she did not have to ask me.

Some more interactions….sorry if I am boring you guys

On Wednesday, my W was very sick. I believe that she has the flu. Although it was her day off (I try to leave her with the kids and do not cook on these days) since she was sick I told her that I would pick up some Chinese food for everyone and that she did not have to cook. I suggested that she take it easy and rest up. Now, some will say that is pursuing. Some will argue that this is being a doormat. I do not agree. I had no expectations that anything positive would come from it. It really is just who I am. So if being nice is a doormat, well then I guess I am doormat. I ordered the food and served everyone, including W (for some of the old timers…this may remind of you of my “making breakfast every day” period – LOL). My D brought the food up to my W. I stood with my boys playing the new Halo game.

Next day I went to work and I received a call from W (on my work number, which I thought was odd since she could have called my cell) saying thank you for helping her with the kids. Just so that everyone knows I did not return the call. No need to and honestly I do not need her to thank me for taking care of MY kids. I did appreciate the call but really I did not have to contact her back to say your welcome. The next time we speak, I will mention it if the opportunity presents itself.

Moving on to yesterday…a little more back to the norm…she come home from work at around 7pm (note she left at 5am) walks and does not say a word – nor did I. Just went about doing what I needed to do.

My point of telling everyone this story is simple.
“life crisis” (I prefer that over MLC) have a way of really screwing with peoples emotions. They will be hot one day, cold the next – ya really just never know. Key, is to remain focused on yourself and your emotional wellbeing.

I am also beginning to see some more signs of depression. She is trying to connect with the kids a little more. I do not know if OM is still in the picture and the funny thing is..that part of me does not even care anymore. Her life is really her’s to live. Mine is mine. It really is that simple.

I have now started to really question if I want to be married to this person anymore. I am sure it is normal. The reality is that I no longer know her and she no longer knows me. We really are two different people at this stage of our lives. Do I love her – yes and I have accepted the fact that I will always love her. I am not sure if the woman that I fell madly in love with and married exists anymore. I can see pieces of her from time to time but our interactions are very limited (even being in the same house).

Does this mean that I am quitting. No. Not today and cool thing is that I choose to remain where I am and I choose when and IF I quit.

Some will say this is me staying in “limbo” – actually IMO, it is not. It a choice that I have made for me and a choice that I am comfortable with – RIGHT NOW. It is also a gift that I am returning. You see, my wife through her actions helped me begin my journey, a journey where I have realize so much about myself. A journey that made me realize so much about our M. It was a gift that she gave me and one that I am grateful for.

So I choose to give her the same gift. The gift of TIME. What she does with this gift is really up to her and although I would LOVE to tell her – lol – as I am sure that many of you can relate to. It really is not my place to tell her how to live HER life. Nor is it her place to tell me how to live my life.

This journey led me to a place

Where my heart has accepted that I love her AND
That I decide when this ends – not her.

To wifey – I love you. May you find what you are looking for…..I did….I found me – THANK YOU my love, thank you!

Have a good weekend everyone and sorry for the long post…again…

Oh...one other thing...to the newb's that are here on these boards. Take the time that you have been given and use it to really find yourselves. If you do, you will never regret this experience - never.

Eric