Trying to grow a backbone!

[Mrs. A]

Hi everybody.

CTH - no, we don't have kids. I get what you're saying but I don't think going dark is easy for anyone.

On another note, I've never been deep sea diving, but I imagine this must be what it feels like when you come out of the water too fast - Mrs. A emerging from the deep sea of denial, that is. I have the denial bends.

I am feeling like crap, with physical ailments that I've come to recognize as symptoms of depression because I've had the same thing before.

I don't know what will happen with Mr. A and me in the future, but we've turned a corner and it's taken me to a dark place. I can't hold out hope any longer that Mr. A and I will reunite and later be able to view this time as just a very rough patch.

I've been hoping for that since Mr. A left in April 2009, which is why I've continued to wear my wedding ring and have been so reluctant to tell people (e.g., most of my coworkers) what's been going on.

Now I'm finally beginning to come out and it's hard.

[ClingingToHope]

Everyone is different. STBXW and I split up in May 2009 and I spent most of the rest of the year convinced it was just a matter of time before it all worked out.

I miss STBXW physically more than I do emotionally. If she all of a sudden showed up and wanted to rekindle things in the bedroom I don't think I could say no.

But if I was competing with others I would. I don't want to share her with anyone.

[soleil]

(((((((((Mrs. A))))))))))

The sooner you let go, the better for you. And in the end, you will be fine.

[Mrs. A]

Yesterday was another uneventful but depressed day. No contact with Mr. A.

Work is/was keeping me busy. Also had a cocktail with my dear friend, which was nice. But coming home to an empty house seems so lonely all over again.

I'm trying to get through each day one at a time and working on grasping the thought of a life that doesn't revolve around Mr. A - either being with him or trying to get him back. It's hard.

[ClingingToHope]

Basically, you've started the recovery clock over again. A friend of mine divorced a couple of years ago. Then six months after the divorce they started the relationship over.

I was talking to him a lot early last year. They have a kid with Asberger's and they had moved back in together. He was kind of my hope.

But in the summer, after I found out STBXW was spotted at the county fair with another guy, we were talking and he said not to put too much stock into his story because they were splitting up again.

"In the end, there are just things we don't like about each other," he said. And he added "I wished we'd never gotten back together because it brought all of the pain back again."

Please don't wait around for Mr. A. If he comes sniffing around, make him work, really work hard to get your trust back.

[soleil]

I think you're spot on CTH. When you start these TALKS and whatnot again, it does set the time clock back. That's why it's good to go cold turkey, no contact and keep it up.

My story is the same. I should have just walked away for good last year instead of spending all this year working and talking and etc only to be met with the same BS by my stbx. I lost another year but what can you do? Just move on.

[Mrs. A]

UGH! My work phone just rang with my home phone. My stomach sank as soon as I saw the ID because I never usually get calls from my home (duh - the dogs can't dial) and it still comes up as Mr. A's name.

I caught my breath and thought it must be my mom, as she's coming over later to watch the dogs because I have to work til about 11 tonight.

Nope, it was Mr. A. He "had" to come over to get his razor. I picked up, "Hello?" He's like, "Hiiiii, um I *had* to come over here to get my razor. I HAD to - I bought another one and it broke, so I had to come get this one. Do you know where it is?" I told him it was upstairs in a bag with the rest of the stuff he'd brought over lately. I think he walked up there and was looking for it, like, "Is it in the bedroom? The other room?" I didn't say much but I guess he found it because he was like, "Ok, thanks." We said bye and that was it.

I know I'm likely to get a 2x4 for posting our conversation verbatim, like I shouldn't be hanging on his every word. Well, I still am. It is what it is.

I didn't try to talk more or ask him to spend time or act particularly nice. I was all business. But I also didn't get on him for coming into the house without my permission.

Baby steps.

[Mrs. A]

In fact, this is kind of stupid.

I told Mr. A last Sunday that I wanted to see and talk to him. Maybe that was stupid, but that's what I said. Then I backpedaled a little and said that I had to give him his stuff.

He said that he could just come over and get his stuff when I wasn't there. I said no, I wanted to talk to him. He said ok, he would call me with his schedule.

Then he came over today and got his stuff while I wasn't there. He does what he wants.

I'm not gonna bother being mad about it - I don't really care. I'm not pursuing a conversation with him either. Now he has his stuff and that's that. It was as stupid excuse to meet with him anyway. If he wants to avoid talking to me so badly, then how valuable could our conversation really be?

[Mrs. A]

BTW, he never called me with his schedule.

[ClingingToHope]

You know what, I would have done the same thing as he did -- especially if I didn't like the topic of conversation. One thing you need to do is get his key from him. He shouldn't be able to come and go anymore. He lost that right with the divorce.

I willingly gave mine up at the start of the school year even though the D is not done. It was a big moment for me. It meant I was giving up any claim on the old family home -- at least in my heart.