You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[v1olin]

Good job!

[whatisis]

CTY, if anyone should not be dating, besides me, on the BB it is you! You're still way too attached to your wife and the current situation. She's still a constant topic in your posts and not just about the practical stuff but also about your emotional responses to her. It's way too early to date for you! If you are going to take this woman to the Green Ball (and I doubt she will go cuz usually a "I'll let you know" is a "how do I get out of this", in my limited experience anyway) then do so as friends and let her know you are looking for a friend to go with and you're not looking for anything more right now. Also, I've said it before, I think you need to take some time to be with you...alone. You are so busy keeping busy that it makes me wonder what you're trying to keep from thinking about or dealing with. I know everyone has different activity levels and some need less time alone than others but this is my sense with you...take it or leave it. So, I'm not trying to rain on your parade but just give you somethinhg to ponder when you're in the car rushing from one activity to the other. OMG, you're meeting an engaged woman at 5:00 am to do what??? Deep breathe, my man!!!!

[ClingingToHope]

Wii, everyone is different. You seem to be an introvert. I'm an extrovert. I get my energy by being around people. Yes. A lot of my posts are about STBXW. This is kind of my online journal and I was reviewing where I am now compared with where I was a year ago and I've come a long way.

This morning I did a body pump class at the health club. A coworker has been trying to get me to go for weeks, but it never worked out.

Last night, a lady in the growth group who I'm friends with on Facebook asked if I'd go. I sensed she also needed someone to talk to. So I got myself up and went and it was good and she is having some troubles and she was glad I was there. Before you think it, there's no potential for anything here other than friendship. I don't see her that way. She really embraced me when I joined the growth group. I think part of it is we are the only true liberals in the group.

I'll go again next Friday. They have four classes a week. Even I'm not that crazy to get up four times a week for a 5 a.m. class.

I remember you gave me advice once to go off into the woods for a weekend and contemplate the loss. That works for some. For me, it'd be a lost weekend. And I've had those weekends. I spent most of last summer working weekends doing those running races. There's lots of dead time and my head would spin in circles and nothing would get resolved. The only that's worked is to put one foot in front of the other until the day is done ... and then day after day after day it's gotten better.

As far as the Green Ball, I hope you're wrong and it's not just a brush off. If it is, oh well, I tried and that's a big step, just trying. I hate rejection. Almost all of the major relationships I've had I didn't ask the lady out until after I knew she was interested and would say yes.

So if she says no I'll ask another lady I'm interested in. A big thing that has changed between now and May is that I'm not desperate to find someone to prove something to STBXW or to fill my addiction to being in a relationship.

With STBXW I let my ego lead the way. I could tell there were things about her that I didn't like -- the silence, never smiling, lack of self confidence. But I was just so into the fact someone who had no interest in me in high school wanted me after college that I ignored it.

Now, I'm trying to find someone who -- if you took sex out of the equation -- I could just enjoy being with. That was never the case with STBXW.

Church_35 could be someone like that. She's extremely intelligent. Has a deep faith and doesn't need fixing.

The only way to find out is to ask her out.

[whatisis]

Nope, I wasn't the go out in the woods for a week guy! I'm also not an introvert, if you recall, I have a similar habit to you in running out to every event I could get to! I did it because I wanted to build a life, I was anxious about being alone etc. and still am to some degree. I find it hard to come home at night to an empty apartment (aside from my turtle!) but recognize that I need BALANCE in my life. I do understand how being alone can be a deadly time if you allow it to be. I've set goals for myself for times when I'm alone. I do bible reading each night (or at least try to), I do some meditation each night. I allow my body to rest sometimes because it needs it. I used to ignore that and rush out to whatever was offered that evening. You need a tenor in the church choir, I'm the guy! There's a prayer group, let's do it! Bowling? Sure, I'm in!... I would refuse to listen to my body. Now, I do believe that you probably have a lot more energy than I, you're younger and seem to be extremely fit (good job, in that regard) but don't put asied that need to be alone sometimes, it's important. If you're afraid of yourself when you're alone then you're running from something, not to something. They say God often speaks to us when we sit down, be quiet and allow him to speak to us. Maybe just take a night and make it YOUR night to be with yourself and your maker. If you can't be alone then you're looking for R's that will provide that safety net and that makes for dependence on the other party and makes you more vulnerable than you need to be when seeking a R. Don't discard what others are telling you (and apparently it's not just me) as you're you and I'm me. Well, enough of my preaching...gotta run, things to do...things to do....things to do!!! have a great day.

[whatisis]

Hey, got time for a couple more...you lucky guy!

You wrote:
"And I've had those weekends. I spent most of last summer working weekends doing those running races. There's lots of dead time and my head would spin in circles and nothing would get resolved. The only that's worked is to put one foot in front of the other until the day is done ... and then day after day after day it's gotten better."

It's not about "resolving" anything, it's about being and being OK with just being! I read a quote in a paper on mindfulness that said something about "become a human being not a human doing" Also, dead time on a work weekend is quite different than taking time for yourself.

You also mentioned " Yes. A lot of my posts are about STBXW. This is kind of my online journal and I was reviewing where I am now compared with where I was a year ago and I've come a long way."

Indeed you have! But, when you journal extensively about your feelings regarding wife then you aren't done or detached. I'm not judging your progress, that's not my place. I'm just suggesting that while you're still so attached it's not a great time to be dating. Friends is good though!


Lastly, be careful about hitting on women in your church group. That group is your safe place, somehwere you go for you. Sometimes women can respond very oddly to date requests and if you're not good at rejection (and who is) it can make your time there kind of akward. I once asked a woman in my workplace to go to a church event with me and she said "can I let you know?" and never did, which I could live with but she then began ignoring me completely, avoiding me and even changed her work habits e.g. leaving early to miss me. It was kind of humiliating, it ended that contact and honestly, a no thank you or can't make it would have been just fine! So, just be careful! There are lots of damaged people out there besides you and me and I'm guessing your group is full of them or they wouldn't be there!

I'm done now...really! I hope something in there was of help.

[ClingingToHope]

It's all help. I don't feel like I'm hitting on her. It's a free weekend night -- I don't have a lot of those -- and I was looking around for something fun to do. For a ball it's pretty cheap -- $25 per ticket. So it fits my budget. But it's customary to bring a date to a ball so I'm looking for a companion.

Not wanting to disrupt the church group is part of the reason I never asked church_31 out. But several people in this group have dated and it's kept going. It is a singles group after all.

This is the second time I've asked Church_35 out. I had that big surprise birthday party two weeks ago and I asked her. She had a bachelorette party to go to otherwise she said "I would have gone."

So I guess in a way this is a test to see if that was a brush off. If she says no again I'll be disappointed but I won't be upset -- but I won't ask again.

You never know unless you ask.

[soleil]

CTH, when is the ball? And more importantly, will you be wearing green?

If Church_35 says no, just don't ask her out again. No harm done.

[ClingingToHope]

The flyer says to wear business chic -- whatever that means. It's green for eco friendly. I would just wear my suit and perhaps a special tie -- I'd have to go shopping.

Key now is to get that date. If not, I get the keys to the new house that day and I could just spend the night moving in.

[ClingingToHope]

Well, you can't control her and you can't stop her. And if you tried you'll come off as petty probably. You have the boys most of the time so just be the best mom you can.

I'm not sure if I posted this here earlier. My mom was married three times, had two other live in boyfriends and another fiancee.

I liked all but two of them BUT I only had one dad. I never for a second considered any of them a father figure. Your sons will always only have one mom.

I wouldn't have liked his response either.

[ClingingToHope]

Ooops, that was for another thread. Getting up at 4:30 a.m. made me a little loopy.