I understand this concept in theory but would really appreciate further insight into how this actually looks/plays out on a day-to-day basis.
My H and I are currently living in the same home, sharing the same bed (no sex) while he is trying to figure out if he can love me the way I need to be loved and the way he wants to love a wife (his words, not mine). There is an OW, although it is my understanding from H that he has cut off communication with her, not in order to recommit to our relationship but to be "fair" to all involved while he is making his decision.
This is incredibly difficult for me but I believe in our marriage and want to do all I can before I even begin to consider moving on.
If any veterans or others currently in this situation can give me some advice or insight into what worked and didn't work for them, I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
yeah, for starters you can kick him out of the bed until he can determine what he wants.
Better yet (and I would still kick him out of the bed and make him sleep somewhere else, backyard maybe under the deck ), go up to him and ask him his opinion on something, "Husband... Are you OK with watching the kids tonight, I'm going out for a couple of hours. I was out grocery shopping and this interesting younger guy asked me for my phone number and asked if I would be interested in going out for some coffee/drinks. I should be back by 10/11pm tonight" .... and then come home at 2am.
And then ask him to start sleeping on the couch.
And then make the decision for him, he can have the other woman, you've been thinking about it and you're not sure you love him the way a wife should love her husband and that he would be happier with her and you are fine with it.
And then ask him to start packing and move out.
And then tell him that you will file for divorce and he should hear from your lawyer within a few weeks.
That is what would work better than detaching lovingly and giving him time to make a decision. If you aren't your husband's first choice and it's really that hard a decision for him to make, why would you want a husband like that? Is your self-esteem that low? If so, that is sad, get thee some counseling and start feeling better about yourself, you aren't optional just because he makes you feel that way.
Um..ouch. While I appreciate your sentiment, I wasn't asking for an opinion on what I'm doing. I was asking for input on a specific method Michelle mentioned in DR.
You can say I have low self-esteem. You can even suggest I'm in denial after reading my response. We all have our own ways of dealing with our situations. I'd rather not be put down by the way I'm choosing to deal with mine.
If there is anyone who has been able to detach lovingly, it would be great to hear from you.
Thanks
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
It is a bad place to have to come to, but Robx is right. You should listen to him. He is not trying to demean you. He is telling you what works. Don't be upset with him. he is one of the best on these boards.
Giving your H time and support will only drag out you agony. Tough love is the best was to bring him around quickly. You deserve to be treated better than this, don't you?
This method IS counter intuitive, but that is what DB is all about. This is your best bet to save your marriage now without going on and on and on in limbo. Make the decision for him!
This is all so maddening. I guess I did feel a bit demeaned. This isn't just about my self esteem (which is a work in progress - and I am in counseling). I have two very small children. I'm not just trying to keep my life together, I'm trying to keep theirs together as well. When H first left, the kids fell apart. Little girl became incredibly anxious and had asthma attacks (never had these before). Little boy regressed to the point where he was having bladder and bowel accidents. It killed me to watch this. And yes - I was pissed at H for doing this but I had to find a way to hold it together for the kids. Once he returned, the kids started doing better. Little girl still sometimes anxiously asks where daddy is but once she is reassured, she calms down.
I am also working with a DB coach who does not recommend kicking H out. I have been progressively making changes in my life to be a more available, loving and supportive spouse. I did this not just for him but for me as well because it was a burden I was no longer willing to carry. I wasn't a hag or anything but we had some really horrible things happen to us through the years - traumatic things. And it took me a long time to get over them. I blamed H for everything and was not fun to be around. H acknowledges the changes I have made. DB coach feels it's good for him to see the changes.
Is this breaking my heart daily? Yup. Does it kill me when even the smallest or grandest gesture on my part is met with little to no appreciation? Does it shake me to the core to know he would even consider choosing OW over me and his kids? Of course. This woman (who happens to be his ex wife) left him 21 years ago for another man and will do it again so better to deal with the train wreck now than later. Do I deserve his projected anger, resent and disdain since breaking it off with her? Nope. But I take it. What is intuitive to me IS to kick him out - this doesn't feel counter-intuitive at all. What feels counter-intuitive is to continue to love and support him through all of this madness. And that is what I'm doing for now. In DR there is a story about "Carol". I can't remember what page it's on but I'm trying to model my behavior after her situation. She figured out how to remain in the marriage and take care of herself. And this is what I'm trying to do - examples of this kind of survival are what I'm trying to access.
In my heart I know the advice from these boards comes from experience and from the heart. I know Robx wasn't trying to crush me but rather to get me to open my eyes. I'm just really confused and have people telling me that I should do this and that. I don't even know who to listen to anymore.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
Because you are leaving the fate of your marriage up to a man who is having an affair and doesn't have your best interests at heart. By doing that you have no choice which makes you feel hopeless.
You have choices. I don't think being a doormat is one of them.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I understand your sitch. What you need to do is start living your own life for you. Be the best mom to your kids. Start improving your appearence, smell good, take a new class, make him notice you.
Many vets here wil tell you what to do b/c they have seen it work. I know it's hard to follow their advice b/c newbies are afraid of pushing their spoause further away. Not true. I felt that way for some time and it wasn't until I started to date that my W came back to me.
I was happy without her and she couldn't understand why.
You have a choice every day. Choose to be positive and happy, it will help you.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I think all of you responding to my post are men - hard to tell with the screen names. If not, I do apologize. And men know men. How you are all wired. What works, what doesn't. But why would this work?? If the goal is to reconcile with him, what does kicking him out do (other than ending the current drama, it creates a different kind of drama, not just for me but for my beautiful children as well). Will he start to miss me/us? Will that "missing" be authentic? When he left the first time, I toughened up and that is when he came back. But to what end? Obviously he wasn't ready to come back - so why did he? Creature comforts? And if I ask him to leave, he will go to her. She is going full-court press right now - sending him pornographic pictures of herself (masturbating) via e-mail. She is appealing to an organ I can't at the moment. I'm trying to appeal to the heart. And you ask why I would want a man like this? Actually, I don't. I want my old H back. Not this dude. I have no stinkin' idea who this dude is. Never seen him before a couple of months ago.
And do you men know how I should handle this based upon your own experiences, either as the WAH or the LBS?? If so, please, please share with me. Connecting with people who have used methods that are successful helps me so much - hearing about their process helps so much.
Gr8 - not to be "braggy", but I do look good. And hey! I even smell good too But regardless, right now I can't compete with her "golden punani", you know? Not sure why I would want to as she is obviously not a person of character and quality. But still.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
I think all of you responding to my post are men - hard to tell with the screen names. If not, I do apologize. And men know men. How you are all wired. What works, what doesn't. But why would this work?? If the goal is to reconcile with him, what does kicking him out do (other than ending the current drama, it creates a different kind of drama, not just for me but for my beautiful children as well). Will he start to miss me/us? Will that "missing" be authentic? When he left the first time, I toughened up and that is when he came back. But to what end? Obviously he wasn't ready to come back - so why did he? Creature comforts? And if I ask him to leave, he will go to her. She is going full-court press right now - sending him pornographic pictures of herself (masturbating) via e-mail. She is appealing to an organ I can't at the moment. I'm trying to appeal to the heart. And you ask why I would want a man like this? Actually, I don't. I want my old H back. Not this dude. I have no stinkin' idea who this dude is. Never seen him before a couple of months ago.
And do you men know how I should handle this based upon your own experiences, either as the WAH or the LBS?? If so, please, please share with me. Connecting with people who have used methods that are successful helps me so much - hearing about their process helps so much.
Gr8 - not to be "braggy", but I do look good. And hey! I even smell good too But regardless, right now I can't compete with her "golden punani", you know? Not sure why I would want to as she is obviously not a person of character and quality. But still.
Is what you are doing working?
Sitting by while he carries on like this isn't attractive to men. It's shows to him that you can be plan B and you are OK with it. He will resent you for it if he comes back. Why - because why would you be OK with it, must be something wrong with you. It's not a great example to show your kids and both of you know it. Being a doormat doesn't make you seem valuable because you don't value yourself.
Lovingly detach - Love (love your neighbor as yourself) would you allow another family to camp in your backyard, eat your food, play with your kids toys, use you electricity & water and steal your cable TV. All while giving nothing in return except them telling you that they are going to decide if they are going to stay because of how you treat them?
Boundaries.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
But regardless, right now I can't compete with her "golden punani", you know? Not sure why I would want to as she is obviously not a person of character and quality. But still.