This is all so maddening. I guess I did feel a bit demeaned. This isn't just about my self esteem (which is a work in progress - and I am in counseling). I have two very small children. I'm not just trying to keep my life together, I'm trying to keep theirs together as well. When H first left, the kids fell apart. Little girl became incredibly anxious and had asthma attacks (never had these before). Little boy regressed to the point where he was having bladder and bowel accidents. It killed me to watch this. And yes - I was pissed at H for doing this but I had to find a way to hold it together for the kids. Once he returned, the kids started doing better. Little girl still sometimes anxiously asks where daddy is but once she is reassured, she calms down.
I am also working with a DB coach who does not recommend kicking H out. I have been progressively making changes in my life to be a more available, loving and supportive spouse. I did this not just for him but for me as well because it was a burden I was no longer willing to carry. I wasn't a hag or anything but we had some really horrible things happen to us through the years - traumatic things. And it took me a long time to get over them. I blamed H for everything and was not fun to be around. H acknowledges the changes I have made. DB coach feels it's good for him to see the changes.
Is this breaking my heart daily? Yup. Does it kill me when even the smallest or grandest gesture on my part is met with little to no appreciation? Does it shake me to the core to know he would even consider choosing OW over me and his kids? Of course. This woman (who happens to be his ex wife) left him 21 years ago for another man and will do it again so better to deal with the train wreck now than later. Do I deserve his projected anger, resent and disdain since breaking it off with her? Nope. But I take it. What is intuitive to me IS to kick him out - this doesn't feel counter-intuitive at all. What feels counter-intuitive is to continue to love and support him through all of this madness. And that is what I'm doing for now. In DR there is a story about "Carol". I can't remember what page it's on but I'm trying to model my behavior after her situation. She figured out how to remain in the marriage and take care of herself. And this is what I'm trying to do - examples of this kind of survival are what I'm trying to access.
In my heart I know the advice from these boards comes from experience and from the heart. I know Robx wasn't trying to crush me but rather to get me to open my eyes. I'm just really confused and have people telling me that I should do this and that. I don't even know who to listen to anymore.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
