Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my separation. Three years ago tomorrow the moving truck pulled up to my home, loaded my furniture and changed my life. I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about it, maybe I'm too fixated on my upcoming Colonscopy/Gastroscopy on Tuesday, I don't know. I do know that I'm in a place where I don't want to be with wife but I have a hard time seeing myself with anyone else either. R's take time and energy and I just don't think I have that for another person in my life right now. Sometimes it's hard to come home to no one but a turtle, I wonder "is this it?". I've tried to cut down my running around to avoid my alone times. I'm doing bible study each night, I'm following a plan where you can read the bible in a year. I do meditation each night, even when I have an activity to go to. I'm trying to face those alone demons. My wife and family were my rock! No matter what happened in my life, that would be there. But, three years ago that was ripped away from me. I lost my wife, my home and half the time with my children. My rock crumbled. I still carry fear about being alone. What if something happens to me, who will be there? Can I trust anyone in my life to really be there for me when I need them? I trusted my wife implicitly, never dreaming I could ever be betrayed, I was wrong. My kids are my greatest blessing but I still live with a lot of anxiety about where my life is heading. Before, much of it was set, it was solid. Now, I'm 52 and starting all over or that's how it seems sometimes. Is it an exciting adventure? Sometimes, but at others it feels like a sad failure. Anyway, just thinking out loud...I'm done.
