We talked later about me moving out. She said she thought that we had agreed to stay together since the finances were better that way, and for the girls. She said being financially secure was huge for her. I listened and validated, told her that I was leaning more towards separation though. That staying together like this, just for the girls and finances would be really unhealthy for me, for her, and the girls.
this is a good R talk.
Quote:
She said she thought that we had agreed to stay together since the finances were better that way,
She's not convinced you are serious about what you say.
Drop the bomb and back it up with action. Have a plan to show her, let her feel you walking away then do it. Otherwise you sit in limbo in a loveless marraige and then when the kids are gone - what happens? Help her feel the consequences of her not doing the work. She says she will do anything, make her prove it.
Sharpen up the truth darts. Lead, have a plan for either outcome and be prepared to take action quickly. Limbo sucks the life out of you, kills attraction, and leads to resentment.
Quote:
While talking last night, my W asked me how I could be so detached about the sitch.
She is watching you very closely. That comment is good.
"I get it, I have been selfish trying to get you to stay in a marriage that isn't making you happy. I am not happy and I have decided that this isn't going to work, us just staying together for the girls. We all deserve better and I am going to be a good role model for the girls. You and I need to sit down and discuss how to handle this."
When you drop the bomb again she will try to tag you again. So if she isn't kissing you (intimate in her mind) then you drop another laser bomb.
"I really don't think we should do this. It's not attractive to see you trying this and you aren't passionate about me. Plus I don't want to confuse you about where we are headed."
The flip side is your wife is bending but she hasn't gone all in. If she really wants to commit, tell her you have plan but you need time to think to see if she is serious. Don't give in too easily.
You can handle it. You have control when you realise you have choices.
Pinhead - your wife sounds stubborn. But wow you are handling it like a pro. Keep it up...you should be an inspiration to many
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
F#cking hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.
Totally understand that. Remember what worked. Stay detached - no expectations. This isn't the final play, lot's of time for you. Add a little mystery, have fun at the 5k meet some new people.
Once you get in the zone and you see it playing out in front of you you will relax. The playbook works, plus you know what the other team is going to run. Be prepared for spew as well. Ain't this fun.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
F#cking hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.
Yep. By far.
You are doing great. I'm sure you couldn't have imagined you would make it this far. Keep it up and heed Coach's advice. I think he is dead on when it comes to this point in the R. You are close and it still could go either way. You seem to be in the right frame of mind with accepting any outcome. Coach is showing you the path that has the best chance of getting the best outcome for all involved.
It sure is hard. I commend you for keeping your stand. Now she will begin to think about your attractiveness.
I have the same decision to make with my W. I would the kids to have a complete family growing up and if we stay together the finances would be extremely easy.
I agree with you in that we can't just do it for the kids or money. It has to be for the right reasons.
Keep leading she is being pulled closer to you now.
one day at a time, don't horse it!
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Drop the bomb and back it up with action. Have a plan to show her, let her feel you walking away then do it. Otherwise you sit in limbo in a loveless marraige and then when the kids are gone - what happens? Help her feel the consequences of her not doing the work. She says she will do anything, make her prove it.
Sharpen up the truth darts. Lead, have a plan for either outcome and be prepared to take action quickly. Limbo sucks the life out of you, kills attraction, and leads to resentment.
Quote:
While talking last night, my W asked me how I could be so detached about the sitch.
She is watching you very closely. That comment is good.
"I get it, I have been selfish trying to get you to stay in a marriage that isn't making you happy. I am not happy and I have decided that this isn't going to work, us just staying together for the girls. We all deserve better and I am going to be a good role model for the girls. You and I need to sit down and discuss how to handle this."
When you drop the bomb again she will try to tag you again. So if she isn't kissing you (intimate in her mind) then you drop another laser bomb.
"I really don't think we should do this. It's not attractive to see you trying this and you aren't passionate about me. Plus I don't want to confuse you about where we are headed."
The flip side is your wife is bending but she hasn't gone all in. If she really wants to commit, tell her you have plan but you need time to think to see if she is serious. Don't give in too easily.
You can handle it. You have control when you realise you have choices.
Cheers
Coach, I don't think she's bent at all. I think she's just sacrificing what she wants to keep me around for $$ and for parenting. Maybe that's me just being pessimistic, but even last night I half-heartedly joked that she couldn't even tell me she wanted me to stay.
I'll find out when I locate my balls and sign the lease on the apt.
