LBS Living...

[cat04]

Irish,

I am glad that you are finally starting to feel the anger.

Even if it is scary, it really is a good thing. Part of why you were/are depressed is because depression is in part, anger turned inward. So getting it out, is a good thing on many fronts.

Instead of arguing with your S, which is something that will happen once in a while because he is a teenager, try to channel that anger constructivly.

Use it to fuel you for now. To catch up on the cleaning, small house repairs that you can do (if you don't know how to do something, google it, there is tons of info out there...)

Then as you do these things and work through the anger, sometimes just working it off helps, you will find that you also gain confidence in your own abilities. Confidence in yourself.

This is NOT about us being perfect. In no way is it about that. That is something you are gonna have to find a way to let yourself off the hook about.

However, it is about being the best you can be, whatever that best is. Personally, I make awesome tasting food. Have for a long time, but it usually isn't so pretty to look at. So for me, that is something to work on down the road. For now, instead of beating myself up cuz the cake is lopsided, I focus on how it tastes.

I know is seems like a small stupid example, but that is how you have to look at this entire situation. In small and managable bites.

Focus on what you can do, what you do do well, try new small things, and go from there.

As far as your S, you are not going to lose him. He is your S and he loves you as you are. It is ok for him to be angry with your H and even with you a bit, but he will figure it out and make his own way. If he sees that this is not destroying you, it won't destroy him. What you don't want is for him to make a choice between you and his father. He needs both of you, even if his father isn't the Dad of the year right now.

Looking at your own role in the M, it is important, but it is looking at who you were, with complete honesty with yourself and seeing if there is anything you would have done differently.

And then be different in the future. Change those things now, so that when you are in a R, either with H or someone else, you have tackled those things already.

Were you quiet and didn't share your feelings?

Were you controling?

Did you accept all of the responsibility for things that happened and never ask for help from your H?

Things like that...

You are not standing still Irish. When you came here, you had a boatload of crap on your plate. Crap that is hard to deal with emotionally. More crap than most of us I think. You are beginning to work through that.

You have to be patient with yourself and let it happen. Brooklyn said, you have to be open to it. I agree with her.

Baby steps. We say look for baby steps with them, but we also have to look for baby steps with ourselves. Especially with ourselves. You will stumble and fall, and then you will get back up and start again.

It is how the process works.

I too am much further down this road than you are, but I didn't get here over night. I didn't get here easily either. It is a long hard road, but one that is well worth traveling.

You can do this.

Listen to what the others have said to you, especially Brooklyn. She knows of where she speaks.

You can do this Irish. I have believed that from your first post. You have it within you.