Rationally I know everything that is being said is true. I really do. Emotionally though - it is still so painful right now I feel hopeless. I don't want my emotions to rule but I feel like I have suppressed this hurt and anguish for so long that if I don't get it out I won't be able to create a new life. The layers of humiliation, hurt, anguish, sadness are nauseating me! I feel like everyone is moving on and happy but me and I am scared. Scared that there is really something wrong with me. Scared that I am really the one who is f*cked in the head.
I keep hearing "don't blame yourself, it's him not you" - then I hear "take a good look in the mirror - see what your contributions were to the failed marriage" I am so confused! I have tried to admit my failings, ask for forgiveness - he can't and won't forgive me. Were my "sins" so much more unforgivable? Then I hear "he's sick, he's impaired, he's MLC, he's this/that" - all I know right now is he is HAPPY WITHOUT ME! And it kills me. What don't I get here? My SIL emailed me today and said that she had talked to H and hoped that I could "cope with the decision he has made and go further with your lives in a way that is good for you both and the kids"
To cope would mean I would have to understand why he feels the way he does - why he has done the things he has done. God I don't want to feel this hurt anymore!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
