I agree with your position that if your W chooses to forgive her father (which could be a healthy milestone in her life), it would still be a bad idea to have any kind of contact with him. The fact that he has not tried to make recompense to his daughter(s) for his abuse of them, or asked for forgiveness, clearly shows that he is still toxic.
Unfortunately, this is true of almost all abusers: they deny what they've done or minimize the amount of abuse and its effects, and lack the capacity to empathize with their victims. Even with counseling, they are also almost impossible to rehabilitate. It was wise and loving of you to protect your children from contact with a man too damaged to be a real grandfather to them. It makes me so sad when I read about abuse victims who endanger their own children because they can't be as honest as you two were.
Personally, I don't believe in 100% supervised visits with an abuser. In my experience, they can perform small acts of molestation even with other people nearby. Also, the strain on all of you, especially your wife, would render the whole experience unpleasurable, and the amount of denial she would have to go through might put her in a very bad mental space.
For your 9-year old, is there someone else in your circle of friends and neighbours who could act as a honorary "grand?" I have friends whose grandparents live overseas and rarely visit who've gone that route. Or might he be interested in "Big Brothers Big Sisters," who often have older, experienced BBs they can pair children with?
Arnie's right: I meant to say that your W's healing might only BEGIN with her father's death ... it's all down to what she's able to deal with.
I hope you will make the effort to make some male friends, Save. So much of your energy right now is balanced on your W's issues that I think it would give some balance to your life if you could do that for yourself.
