I agree with your position that if your W chooses to forgive her father (which could be a healthy milestone in her life), it would still be a bad idea to have any kind of contact with him. The fact that he has not tried to make recompense to his daughter(s) for his abuse of them, or asked for forgiveness, clearly shows that he is still toxic.
Unfortunately, this is true of almost all abusers: they deny what they've done or minimize the amount of abuse and its effects, and lack the capacity to empathize with their victims. Even with counseling, they are also almost impossible to rehabilitate. It was wise and loving of you to protect your children from contact with a man too damaged to be a real grandfather to them. It makes me so sad when I read about abuse victims who endanger their own children because they can't be as honest as you two were.
Personally, I don't believe in 100% supervised visits with an abuser. In my experience, they can perform small acts of molestation even with other people nearby. Also, the strain on all of you, especially your wife, would render the whole experience unpleasurable, and the amount of denial she would have to go through might put her in a very bad mental space.
For your 9-year old, is there someone else in your circle of friends and neighbours who could act as a honorary "grand?" I have friends whose grandparents live overseas and rarely visit who've gone that route. Or might he be interested in "Big Brothers Big Sisters," who often have older, experienced BBs they can pair children with?
Arnie's right: I meant to say that your W's healing might only BEGIN with her father's death ... it's all down to what she's able to deal with.
I hope you will make the effort to make some male friends, Save. So much of your energy right now is balanced on your W's issues that I think it would give some balance to your life if you could do that for yourself.
I hope you will make the effort to make some male friends, Save. So much of your energy right now is balanced on your W's issues that I think it would give some balance to your life if you could do that for yourself.
u know Cyrena, u r right. do not agree with the idea of allowing contact betw FiL and children. he is not repentant. in typical fashion, he is so self centered that i'm sure he thinks he did nothing wrong or perhaps it was all "blown out of proportion."
insofar as male friends, have only one but do not hang out with him all too frequently. i recognize that i need to make friends bc my W had and still has her circle of female friends. have had some thoughts how to do that. there is a group of men at our church who do things together. like the idea of church and forming bonds w/ like minded individuals.
the problem with our neighborhood is lots of married living single couples here. these are not the people i aspire to be friends with (altho theyre nice enough) bc want to be around people w/ similar views on M and family, both of which should come first than things like partying, hanging out, etc. my W has actually recognized same surprisingly. very strange mix of feelings from her bc despite her having A which appears to have involved quite a bit of emotion and affection on her part, recently she has made a good deal of moves and said things that would run counter to that sort of behavior.
we are doing our posts on Sat nights and just finished #2 w/ 4 to go. after our first one, W looked ahead at calendar to discover that there might be scheduling conflicts in the weeks ahead. this Sat (post #3), the one good friend my W has in our neighborhood is celebrating her 40th (having a joint party w/ her H actually) and we were invited. W broached idea of skipping the post bc her friend went to my W's shindig and W didnt want to send wrong message. needless to say i didnt like it. W took time to think about and agreed i was right!! funny tho bc when she broke the news to her friend, that person responded by saying sure, ok but said "I'm disappointed. Would you come to my funeral?" what? these are the people who are my neighbors? thank God my W recognized what's important. she agreed we could be late and her friend would have to understand. all along, my W has been big on her friends before me so this is big step, no?
i must admit tho that i am nervous about the party. it will be our first big outing publicly since exposure tho no one really knows about my W's A except for my good friend Tom and his W who is my W's good friend. I do not know what to expect from my W. It was cute of her tho that earlier today my W asked me what should she wear (it is a beach or ski theme). she admitted that i might be nervous w/ her wearing a bikini top and long sleeve linen blouse over it with shorts so asked if that would be alright. then again, why wouldn't it be? i did tell W that why should we worry about being late when most of the people around here do not appear to be likeminded. W agreed!
then another post falls on night of Halloween party which W was considering skipping also only to change her mind thankfully after recognizing that Retrou comes first.
I know it is VERY early but overall am satisfied w/ our progress thus far. i keep waiting for the shoe to fall tho. i worry. what is going to happen at this party w/ all of our so called "friends" who will be quite intoxicated by the time we arrive. plus there is some addtl gossip. neighbor across street is having problems with her H who might be having an A with another neighbor going thru D!! my W 3 months ago had the gall to tell this woman to wake up and open her eyes when we went to another party. ha. W was drunk as was this woman. talk about the pot calling the kettle black. while ur meeting up secretively w/ OM carrying on EA/PA, u r telling ur friend (now former friend bc after that they do not really talk anymore) to beware of the danger lurking in our neighborhood. would make a bad tv movie.
so maybe i'm nervous bc of what happened in recent past? ugh. alcohol makes everyone disinhibited and sometimes stupid.
If you're community is doing 2 posts @ a time, then you definitely want to be sure to attend the one on forgiveness, which would be the second part of session #3.
Having (like-minded) male friends is very important, for the same reason most women have female friends.
