WAW 20 years and wants out

[Pensacolabroken]

I have been married to my WAW for 20 years. She supported me through a 20 year military career and I recently retired. She was always my cheerleader and friend.

We decided that I would take a job that pays very well overseas for a few months to get some money to pay off some debt.

10 years ago, I was on a long (10 month) deployment. I notice my WAW was mentioning an OM often and I asked her how she felt about him, she said it was nothing.. but I did tell her if she was lonely, I would understand if there was a physical ONLY relationship.. but she had to be honest about the whole deal.. I truly thought if I let her do what she wanted she wouldnt leave me.. maybe not even see this guy.

up this point neither of us were unfaithful.

I returned and she gave me all the details and we had a tough time for a week or so, but I told her I understood. Then about a couple of months later and after we had our Son, she wanted to see the guy again. I consented on the grounds she tell me every detail. I would find myself less jealous and she was honest about each encounter.. the intimacy was there and I saw her sexually sparked. Our love making increased.

We moved away in 2003 and started enjoying raising our son. The spark kinda died out of our sex life. I started to bring up her times with the OM and while the thoughts of intimacy were there for me, she pulled away.

this was off an on for the last couple of years and I have asked her to discuss it with me but she refuses and refused.

fast forward to August 2010. I am on a deployment to another country in my new civilian job and WAW emails start to turn.. I ask why she is pulling away and notice a Tae KWondo partner is now a FB friend. I asked about him an she insists it is nothing. I notice her story about where she is and where she was dont match and she is more and more reluctant to Skype or email me.

She pulled away.

She told my Dad and her Sister (our 2 closest relatives) that sheis going to ask me for a divorce when I get home. She said she had too much respect to do it while I was gone.

She is a great mother and has been a great wife, friend and lover. I see that my actions of pulling her towards me and fighting with her while she has been confiding in a OM who build her up all the time led her to become more and more attached to this guy.

At first her answer for a divorce was "I am not happy" She said no one else was involved. I did all the things your not supposed to do.. I agreed with her desire to divorce, I begged and pleaded with her not to do this, I cried, I yelled, etc.. then I stopped. I told her simply I want to continue to be married.

She took her rings off. She is living upstairs and I am downstairs.

I noticed an video and picture file that should have been deleted had the OM with her socially and with his kids and our Son. OM is divorced same age. In Tae Kwondo with her 2 times a week.

She got a new phone plan all hers. I went to the old provider and got the phone and text records and discovered she and the OM were TXT phoning from 11 August to Labor Day.. then they stopped contact. (probably FB and Email though). I confronted the OM by calling the number and he lied he knew she was, so I asked her about him.. she said he is just a friend nothing sexual and he is not the reason we are divorcing.

I asked her to be honest with me and stop lying. I asked her to discuss it with me when she is ready but she needs to be open and he is a barrier to us getting back together.

I started phone coaching here at DB.. I have done my first session and sticking hard witha few setbacks to begin LRT. I am slowing the email, phone and text down. We have a 9 year old and that requires some communication to coordinate.

I sent her an email on Saturday, telling her I understand my actions in our marriage and how I have hurt her and made her feel unimportant by the events of the last 10 years.. but that I am going to accept my responsibility in what I have done and I am seeking counseling.

Se replied back that if I was serious about adressing the issues she would go with me.

I scheduled counseling with a solution based believes in marriage counselor for this afternoon. I told my WAW, I am going to counseling and she is invited to go with me if she would like. I told her that is her choice, but I am going for me. She said she would think about it.

and that my friends.. is my terrible situation.

M: 41
H: 39
S9
D-Day: 30 Sept
Married 20 Years.

[pinhead]

You should think about why you felt you had to give your wife permission to have a physical affair while you were away.

[Serenity13]

Hi Pen ~

Sorry you find yourself here... However...

he is a barrier to us getting back together

No, she is and you are...She wants out, has told you she wants out and all you keep saying is be honest with you.

What you need to say is that regardless of the fact that you gave her permission to cheat on you (I am not even going to touch that one) so long ago, enough is enough. You are married and from this day forward it shall be the two of you and if she doesn't like it she knows where the door is.

Don't beg, don't be ugly, just state the fact that you are no longer willing to share your W with any other man.

(((Hugs)))

[pinhead]

Aye, I didn't give you a very thoughtful reply.

Tell her you don't want to live in an open marriage. That if she wants to stay with you, she needs to repudiate the OM, and agree to a transparency plan that will allow you to regain the trust in your relationship. If she won't agree to that, seek legal counsel quickly.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Pb,

I see a lot of your sitch in my journey the past year.

You now need to validate her feelings, listen to her and do not persue her.
Don't ask questions about the future it make you look needy. She has lost her attraction to you and you need to work on yourself.

Stop the texting, calling , and emails. Unless of course it's about your son.

Go to IC for yourself. Start working on the man you want to be.

You will need every ounce of patience throughout this process.

Don't set time tables, everyone is different. I'm still working on it and it's been 14 months. It took 13months for my W to let down her wall a bit.

Hang in there and keep us updated. Were here to help.
gr8

[Kimmie Lee]

Oh, dear. And were the cheating privileges running both ways?

I know you now realize your fatal mistake. Or do you? Women are hardwired to become bonded to the one they are having sex with. Most of us are not robots and view sex as more than just a biological urge.

If I were you, I would back way off and start dating too. It can be very effective. Look for posts by Puppy Dog Tails and robx. They are excellent!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

gucci loafer has good info about dating too.

[soleil]

^ Can you post it here?

I know you now realize your fatal mistake. Women are hardwired to become bonded to the one they are having sex with.

This is 100% spot on.

The fact that she told you (and you wanted her to) every last detail about her sex. incounters = way TMI.

Stop pursuing her. If she wants out, let her go.

Someone suggested in here that you should date. In your sitch, I think I'd say go for it.

[Pensacolabroken]

Thanks folks for the thoughtful replies.

I invited her to MC today.. she didn;t show. Noticed an improvement from her regarding over all friendly attitude etc.. she actually was talking to her sister on the phone in my presence.. before all was super secret squirrel in the bed room.. I simply told her I enjoyed my therapy and she is invited to the next session on Monday after she gets off work for more convienent time. Again she said she would think about it.

Pin head.. I gave her permission because I sensed her lonliness. When you are deployed 8000 miles away you have very few options. A career in the military, I have seen and counseled many on destroyed marriages.. I thought if it was open it wouldnt be "an affair" a mistake in hindsight.
and Pinhead,, make no mistake she is being honorable and DOESNT want an open marriage and neither do I.

I love her..

MC said she this is quite common in military dynamic.. I had no idea.. I need to get my wife to discuss this clinically, however, I have wasted all my "silver bullets" doing triage..

oddly enough.. Wife is making her presence more "known" since I went to MC and she declined..

not sure where I am..

still doing the 180's

If I can convince her to go to MC without breaking the 180's...

[gutwrenching]

You need to stop pushing for MC right now. You've made it known, made it clear, and if/when she is ready, she will let you know and will go. It doesn't sound like she is committed enough right now.

You constantly asking her about MC will seem like pursuing and will push her away. Instead make her wonder why now that you are going to counselling that you have become such a great and different person. Create some mystery. Stop talking about it