Did you cheat on her? Did you sleep with another woman?
Why do you feel like you have to prove yourself to her? Why do you feel like you have to jump through hoops to get her back?
You don't.
She had the affair.
The fact that you allowed her to move back in, shows you are tolerating her crap behavior just to get her back.
Plain and simple, you need to make it clear to her that you're not here to play these games with her anymore.
"I don't know what I was thinking taking you back after you cheated on me. This isn't what I want. You are not the one taking me back, let's be clear about this, it was me considering taking you back and I can see now that I made the wrong decision to let you back in my life. I've been thinking about this for quite some time already, I can't have someone who acts the way you do back in my life. I'm not attracted to you or any woman who would do this to me, I don't want this and I can't just stay with you because of the kids. This is the wrong thing to do. You don't have the right feelings when it comes to us and I'm starting to see that I don't have the right feelings when it comes to you. This idea & attitude you have about "taking me back" doesn't work for me. I think we should separate again, tell the kids things aren't working out."
Seriously bro, when a woman who cheats on you, has affairs, sleeps with OM, etc. has the attitude that they're taking you back when they were the cheating spouse, nothing good can come of this. You can already see that you're arguing and bickering over everything all over again. She doesn't have the right feelings for you because she can't have those feelings until you man up and really let her go and let her believe she is losing you. She doesn't have that feeling, you said it yourself, she has the attitude that she is taking you back, how much value do you think you have in her eyes when she thinks like this? She feels like she is settling for you when she says she is "taking you back", definitely not something I would consider flattering to hear.
That's your decision.
You can either... - Take her crap behavior and attitude, assume the broken spouse role and allow her to take you back so that she can screw around again in the future (not if, but when she does this) and she can then let you go again and you guys can separate and possibly repeat this song and dance all over again.
Or... - you can let her go, tell her things aren't working out, you don't feel the right way about her and you're not sure if you can feel the right way anymore, you're forcing yourself to settle for someone who doesn't value you or the relationship they have with you and you know that nothing good can come from this. She isn't sorry or apologetic, she doesn't view what she did as wrong because she has a piss poor attitude about you and what she did and she gives you attitude. Big deal, she's being transparent: "here is my cell phone unlocked, read it as much as you want, I didn't tell you about the pay as you go cell phone I have with no contract that I use to contact my potential other men, that phone is locked, that one you can't look at because it's hidden but let's not talk about that, it doesn't concern you"
It's decision time in your life, it's time for you to be a man and decide what YOU want, do you continue enabling her crap behavior or do you set her straight. You don't offer her things like "if you don't smarten up I'm outta here" because that's an empty threat and she'll continue pushing you and pushing past your boundaries and continuing to disrespect you. You tell her that it's over, you need time & space from her, life is short and you've been considering the single life and it's time for you to spread your wings and see what's out there. There's thousands of other women out there just as good or better than your wife, women that would treat you better than she currently does.
But between you and me, you won't do what's required, you will complain about her attitude, the crap behavior, "her taking you back" when she cheated on you, etc. You'll wonder why she can't love you and be attracted to you and continue "trying" with her, doing everything, being Mr.Perfect Husband, helping out with everything at home, working a decent job, being a good provider, being the perfect dad and continuing to accept her crap behavior of you because you "love" her. Let me know how that's working out for you.
Yeah man, she wants YOU to stay at your parents because SHE wants to tell everyone that YOU left. Tell her that you need space and that you would like it if SHE left. Be prepared for a lot of attitude from her but don't back down.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Her reply: whatever you are going thru...insecurity
Thinking about replying with "not going through anything...I'm just going out with people who want to be around me"
I would respond with what Rob said here:
Originally Posted By: robx
"I don't know what I was thinking taking you back after you cheated on me. This isn't what I want. You are not the one taking me back, let's be clear about this, it was me considering taking you back and I can see now that I made the wrong decision to let you back in my life. I've been thinking about this for quite some time already, I can't have someone who acts the way you do back in my life. I'm not attracted to you or any woman who would do this to me, I don't want this and I can't just stay with you because of the kids. This is the wrong thing to do. You don't have the right feelings when it comes to us and I'm starting to see that I don't have the right feelings when it comes to you. This idea & attitude you have about "taking me back" doesn't work for me. I think we should separate again, tell the kids things aren't working out."
It's an excellent post and I will buy you a beer if you actually do it and stick to it.
Thanks robx...you've asked and answered the questions that I was afraid to ask because I didn't want to hear the answers.
You know I don't envy the position you're in, it sucks being afraid.
But it is just fear, you won't die from it (unless you're 100 years old and have a heart condition).
She wasn't afraid of losing you when she had the affairs and when she slept with another man.
Thank about that attitude she had when that happened.
She wasn't afraid, she was pretty confident to be able to make that decision, and she's pretty confident to say things like "I'm taking YOU back!"
She still isn't afraid, she's still pretty confident she's in charge.
She can't be afraid to lose you. She has you, she has had you all this time and she knows it.
You are afraid, you've probably been afraid for quite some time. Fear of loss will do that to a person.
Now, flip it over to her.
Fear of loss could make her smarten up, it could make her finally see what she's going to lose or it may not and if it doesn't, well then you know what kind of person you're married to and even that is a good thing because it just validates your decision to move on.
But for fear of loss to work, it has to be real, she hasn't had to fear losing you because you've never presented her with that reality.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Before you deliver the punch ...The financial and emotional stakes are very high given the no- fault system. She can lie and cheat and get away with it. So you want to act swiftly and quietly to minimize your financial and emotional pain and maximize child custody. Consult a smart lawyer and then act as soon as possible. You can try piecing after that and some of rhe fear may diminish.
We actually already have a mediator on retainer...I'm the one who called her on her crap behavior and told her we are divorcing in July after OM called the police on me. Apparently telling someone to stop talking to your wife is a threat...well only if you are a POSOM.
Last edited by loweinsd51; 10/14/1006:32 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
just posting what steve placed in quotes in prooney's thread, just because it's easier to read this way:
"..About a year ago, I became addicted to chatting online, especially with strangers, particularly men. It got to the point that I opened a secret Facebook account, started playing games online, and started chatting with people I was “meeting” thru the games. Conversation would turn to my marriage, and how I felt I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted/deserved from my husband.
I made many of these friends. Things escalated. Suddenly I had all these secret “friends” in my life. The conversation was not always wholesome, in fact, sometimes it was quite damning. In some cases I became emotionally involved. I started chatting with some of them on Skype. Sometimes video chat was used. I said nasty things about my husband that weren’t true, but I liked all the attention I was getting. I did nasty things that I can’t bare to put into words on a public forum.
My husband became suspicious. Asked who I was staying up late chatting with on Skype. I lied and said I was talking to my sister. He did some detective work and discovered the truth. Evidently for some weeks he was monitoring my online socializing without my knowing. Like I said, the things I said and did on there were damning. I had no idea he knew anything was going on.
Two weeks ago, when I came home from work, he confronted me in the driveway. He had already moved his things out. The only thing he said to me was “You can’t do this and be with me. I’m leaving. You’ll be served in a few days. And served I was. During the next few days, I left desperate voicemails, asking him to go to therapy, telling him I loved him, etc.
We have had one face to face conversation sine he left. He didn’t want to be alone with me, so he asked my sister to supervise. During that conversation, at the advice of my therapist, I said almost nothing. I just listened. He only wanted to speak about divorce and what he wanted and did not want in the divorce. I only said, that I needed time to think about it, and I hope we could reconcile and be stronger than ever. He says it’s not an option. I did say I was sorry, which he doesn’t believe.
I would do anything to get him back."
So what do you think worked here? Was it a tactic? Or was it being so real with his wife, to let her know that it was over, that it was his decision and not giving her any doubt about what he wanted.
What steve posted could pretty much be one of the best things you will ever read on this site.
