Thanks gr8 day. I know you are right. My whole life revolves around the stupid university where everyone knows us both. I had been doing a good job of just hanging out with people I felt 'safe' with regarding having a good attitude and not giving me their opinion unless asked... last night was a setback and I have learned. I have many things in my life of which to be grateful. Besides this situation, I have a very good life that will get even better in less than a year. I'm not going to wait for that year though, I will start shedding my skin now...
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
BTW, I am having trouble finding other people's situation on here. I am curious to read about some of you as you have been instrumental in helping me. Can someone tell me how to do this?
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.
Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).
Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.
THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.
learn this^^^^^
I'm a fan of the Squirrel analogy. I never heard this one before. I like this.
I agree. As a vet, the squirrel analogy is easy to relate to. I used to try feeding those damn squirrels for hours as a kid!!!!
In fact, I was pretty good at it... will picture a squirrel every time I see my H from now on. That is SURE to put a smile on my face and make him wonder what I am up to. LOL!!!!
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I keep horses.....as well as having a variety of small animals due to the children
I love my horses SO much. When I was having all my marital problems, my mare was about the only thing that kept me sane- she never judged me and only showed me affection.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
blgp, click on my name to the left ,view my posts, find a page that has Should I tell her to move on?.. that's my thread.
BTW, Make sure when you go to work that you do something different. Change your hair stlye or colr, smell good with new perfume, and dress attractively.
Do this and you will get noticed!
you need to show H what he's going to be missing.
Last edited by gr8 day 2B alive; 10/14/1007:22 PM.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
In my sitch I have been picturing my W behind a wall, but I have been trying to slowly chip away at it. I have been wrong for a while. I recently started to detach and with this analogy pictured in my head I will be better off.
HopelessIn Love
M and W:33 Kids M-10 ILYBNIL-4/2/10 Sep: 8/20/10 Back into house: 10/18/10
