WAW 20 years and wants out

[Pensacolabroken]

I have been married to my WAW for 20 years. She supported me through a 20 year military career and I recently retired. She was always my cheerleader and friend.

We decided that I would take a job that pays very well overseas for a few months to get some money to pay off some debt.

10 years ago, I was on a long (10 month) deployment. I notice my WAW was mentioning an OM often and I asked her how she felt about him, she said it was nothing.. but I did tell her if she was lonely, I would understand if there was a physical ONLY relationship.. but she had to be honest about the whole deal.. I truly thought if I let her do what she wanted she wouldnt leave me.. maybe not even see this guy.

up this point neither of us were unfaithful.

I returned and she gave me all the details and we had a tough time for a week or so, but I told her I understood. Then about a couple of months later and after we had our Son, she wanted to see the guy again. I consented on the grounds she tell me every detail. I would find myself less jealous and she was honest about each encounter.. the intimacy was there and I saw her sexually sparked. Our love making increased.

We moved away in 2003 and started enjoying raising our son. The spark kinda died out of our sex life. I started to bring up her times with the OM and while the thoughts of intimacy were there for me, she pulled away.

this was off an on for the last couple of years and I have asked her to discuss it with me but she refuses and refused.

fast forward to August 2010. I am on a deployment to another country in my new civilian job and WAW emails start to turn.. I ask why she is pulling away and notice a Tae KWondo partner is now a FB friend. I asked about him an she insists it is nothing. I notice her story about where she is and where she was dont match and she is more and more reluctant to Skype or email me.

She pulled away.

She told my Dad and her Sister (our 2 closest relatives) that sheis going to ask me for a divorce when I get home. She said she had too much respect to do it while I was gone.

She is a great mother and has been a great wife, friend and lover. I see that my actions of pulling her towards me and fighting with her while she has been confiding in a OM who build her up all the time led her to become more and more attached to this guy.

At first her answer for a divorce was "I am not happy" She said no one else was involved. I did all the things your not supposed to do.. I agreed with her desire to divorce, I begged and pleaded with her not to do this, I cried, I yelled, etc.. then I stopped. I told her simply I want to continue to be married.

She took her rings off. She is living upstairs and I am downstairs.

I noticed an video and picture file that should have been deleted had the OM with her socially and with his kids and our Son. OM is divorced same age. In Tae Kwondo with her 2 times a week.

She got a new phone plan all hers. I went to the old provider and got the phone and text records and discovered she and the OM were TXT phoning from 11 August to Labor Day.. then they stopped contact. (probably FB and Email though). I confronted the OM by calling the number and he lied he knew she was, so I asked her about him.. she said he is just a friend nothing sexual and he is not the reason we are divorcing.

I asked her to be honest with me and stop lying. I asked her to discuss it with me when she is ready but she needs to be open and he is a barrier to us getting back together.

I started phone coaching here at DB.. I have done my first session and sticking hard witha few setbacks to begin LRT. I am slowing the email, phone and text down. We have a 9 year old and that requires some communication to coordinate.

I sent her an email on Saturday, telling her I understand my actions in our marriage and how I have hurt her and made her feel unimportant by the events of the last 10 years.. but that I am going to accept my responsibility in what I have done and I am seeking counseling.

Se replied back that if I was serious about adressing the issues she would go with me.

I scheduled counseling with a solution based believes in marriage counselor for this afternoon. I told my WAW, I am going to counseling and she is invited to go with me if she would like. I told her that is her choice, but I am going for me. She said she would think about it.

and that my friends.. is my terrible situation.

M: 41
H: 39
S9
D-Day: 30 Sept
Married 20 Years.