I've been reading up on threads on people who go completely dark. I'm not really using it to get back my marriage, although that sometimes does happen. I am using it to detach and get even more insight into this sitch and R. It does work--I've been blessed yet again by more clarity.
I honestly, before God and everyone else, could swear that I have done all I could to save my marriage. I am forever greatful for this board and the amazing people here that have helped me over the years.
I let my H "lead" this R and that was a huge mistake. Huge. Negative people have no business leading. You have to take that away from them and put them on a different path, if they will let you. We had everything, yet he convinced me and shamed me to thinking that we had nothing and I was so selfish for what I did fight for. He verbally is relentless and keeps on and on at you--coming at you whe you are tired, stressed, etc. getting his point across until you are beaten down and agree.
I am seeing my part very clearly as well. If someone has a complaint, that is fine--I will try to see their side and do better. But after a certain amount of time, if they won't let it go, I have the right to stop it. Period. To not do that means *I* have a problem, not them. I need my boundaries to be clear and they are to protect me. If I refuse to put them up, then don't be one bit surprised when this happens again!!!
My mother sent me this, and I wanted to paste it on my thread. I have allowed myself to be isolated away from my girlfriends. My H HATES that I talk to my sister every day. "You can talk for hours with your sister, but you won't talk to me". That is because "talking" to him means that he will complain non-stop, and when I try to lead him to more optimistic thoughts, he gets the absolute pleasure of slamming me and "proving" that life and the world is as ugly as he thinks it is. *sigh* This does remind me an awful lot of my dad. I pray I can break this pattern some day!!
Life is a gift, a wonder, a joy. Not always happy--no, actually, O Henry was right when he wrote "Life is full of Sobs, Smiles, and Sniffles, with Sniffles predominating."
But to all my girlfriends, No wonder I love them so much. Here is what my mother sent me. See if you don't agree!!
I just finished taking an evening class at Stanford. The last lecture was on the mind-body connection--the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious. Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality "girlfriend time" helps us to create more seratonin--a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, hunting, golf? Yes. But their feelings?--rarely. Women do it all of the time. We share from our souls with our sisters, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym. There's a tendency to think that when we are "exercising" we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged--not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking! So every time you hang out to shmooze with a gal pal or sister, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very very lucky. Let's toast to our friendship with our girlfriends/sisters. Evidently it's very good for our health.
