Facing the music

[NotFromThesePart]

If I said to you.. People will show you the way to love them.. how would you apply that to this situation? People do this unintentionally most of the time. Also most people will claim that the nicest things they have had done to/for them.. were things that seemed to come "out of the blue". What would motivate someone to act in this manner?

I’ve been reading the book “No more mr. nice guy”. There are some interesting observations in it that I think apply to me. One thing that has struck me is the idea of “covert contracts”. If I do this for you, then you’ll do this for me. Well, I do this.

Right now, I don’t know how to do much about this. EVERYTHING I do seems to be in order to get her to commit to the marriage. I’ll do anything for that. So it seems very difficult to do things for her just because it is the right thing, or she needs it. So, I’ll work on doing things for others.

So. Acts. Hmm.. do any of the other LL's seem to fit you also? We typically are a blend of them.. based on circumstances of the time you take the test. There should be 1 that really sticks out to you thou. How do you show Love to someone who is a Act's person?

I think the LL concept is central to my sitch. The book is on order. I’d like to spend some time with it before I answer.

You both have made mistakes. You are equal in the mistakes. Even though your feelings may be more hurt.. Just look at things as you both did this! No one is more at fault than the other.

I agree with that. I don’t know if she would, but she will admit the A is wrong and she wishes it hadn’t happened. I think she wishes she’d had the strength to just leave. Would that have been better? I don’t know. I think I’d feel more responsible.

So how can you implement this in your life now?

Right now I think I need to work on me. One way, and one I really NEED to do, is to be more open to other people and accept their help. It is generally impossible for me to ask for help. I don’t know why. I think I know better, or I’m faster . . . Basically arrogance. Right now I have to rely on others because the sitch is too big for me to handle alone.

The other, and I think is a corollary is to be more patient and listen more. In intellectual pursuits I’m good at this. In other areas, especially personal or emotional ones, not so much. I get this from my parents. I’m working on it. I have my first telephone call with a professional counselor tomorrow. W wants me to do this. Two months ago I wouldn’t have dreamed of it. Not it seems impossible not to. I won’t tell W about this. It is for me. If I tell her, it becomes more about her.

If you can talk to someone without opening your mouth.. then you are communicating.

I like that.

"Two things. One, be more respectful of her and others (golden rule). Two, pursue more, be less passive."

I think you can do better than that.. that seemed like a canned answer. The first thing you need to do is respect your self and the life you have created. Even if your life is horrible.. you still created it. You put work into it. You are reaching out.. to get help.. which is a smart thing. It is a respectable thing. Stand by your decisions. Even the ones that sucked.

OK, What to I have to do. Specifics? Lets see.
1) Realize that Intellectual pursuits and money are not everything. Friends, family, relationships, emotions and other areas are important, even when they are hard
2) Work on my own health. I’m in good health, but I avoid the doctor and dentist like the plague. This can impact others.
3) When the time is right, prioritize my W. Never let there be another doubt that I love, honor and cherish her. If she still wants a D? That is out of my control
4) Work on increasing my own energy. Stop being lazy. I think this is due in part to anxiety. Find solutions to this even if they are medical.
5) Stop thinking, if I avoid it, it will go away.
6) Return to my old hobbies and look to make new friends. Both my W and I need the space from each other. Now and (hopefully) in the future.