Recovery from Infidelity as a Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Dennis Ortman
Donna and Jim were soul mates. They met in high school, became sweethearts, and married soon after graduation. To their friends, they seemed to have the perfect marriage. When Donna stumbled upon Jim's affair with her best friend, she was devastated. She was obsessed with the betrayal and filled with rage. She had nightmares and flashbacks about the affair and complained to a friend, "Something inside me died, and I can't bring it back to life."
In my 14 years as a Roman Catholic priest, and 14 more as a practicing psychologist, I've heard many stories like Donna's. Many who discover a partner's infidelity have lasting reactions similar to post-traumatic stress disorder, like people whose lives have been threatened in war, natural disasters, violent crimes, domestic violence, or auto accidents. They are traumatized by the loss of partnership and security.
They are preoccupied with the betrayal and consumed by fear, anger, and helplessness. They have periods of emotional numbness and avoid anything that reminds them of the affair, yet relive the horror of the discovered adultery at unexpected times and suffer nightmares and flashbacks. They live with heightened anxiety, and dread another betrayal. Consequently, they withdraw from relationships and from life.
The recovery is arduous and can take years. In my experience, it requires three steps. The first is to reestablish a sense of security. Trauma victims are flooded by emotions and need stability before decisions can be made. Therapy, supportive relationships, and spiritual practices are essential ingredients. The second stage is to make a decision about the relationship. Honest and courageous reflection is needed to assess one's deepest desires, the partner's character, and what led to the rupture of the relationship. The third and lengthiest phase is the healing that can come only through forgiveness from the heart. The offended person who refuses to forgive will be imprisoned in resentment and rage.
Victims of adultery often blame themselves and must face their faults and limitations. Forgiving the adulterous partner may seem impossible, but is necessary for inner peace. Understanding what pain, suffering, and character flaws led to the affair can replace anger with compassion. In the end, only through forgiveness from the heart can one can be released to love again without fear.
The description of the feelings and state sounds very familiar to me. When I try to find what I need to forgive myself for, maybe selfishly I dont know- is not my shortcomings as partner. I do know what I did wrong, I actually often did all the things that books and writers describe as "love killers". I was judgemental, harsh, etc etc. But I know why I was like that. It was the only way I knew to try and get closer to my husband who because of his work and our schedules, had "abandoned me" for a long time. To me it was an unvoidable period in our life, until the problems with our kids would pass. We had a child centered marriage. So, I regret my way of approaching him (I was very stupid and running on emotions) but stangely, one of the things I cant seem to forgive myself about, is the fact that he fooled me for so long. I feel like I "helped him" destroy our M by being so naive and not realising sooner that he was just a man like many others.
When I heard OW's comment about me finally finding out "ohh she knew all along, this is just the confirmation" I felt rage. I knew there was someone that had attacted his interest, I knew there was someone -the soecific one- that gave him the strength and motive to leave us, I didnt for one minute believe our life would be seen under a awful light because of another woman. That our history was rewritten because of his love for her. I got the chicken and egg story completely the wrong way. Facts and dates show that our R started to deteriorate because of his affair. He "left me emotionally"- which triggered my bad reactions, after he had found her. The timeline is so telling. So, no I cant forgive myself for not waking up earlier. Maybe, and I believe that- if I knew then, we would be divorced now. Through reading and learning and this forum, I was able, I had time, to find some compassion for him. But still, I was such a fool. Thinking of both of them together, laughing behind my back, checking out MY schedule, my daily routines to arrange their secret meetings, the lies I never bothered to check etc etc, makes me furious. Pride?
