Albuquerque living

[Albuquerque]

The OW will definitely be an issue for me to monitor. A funny/not-so-funny thing happened today while D was opening her birthday presents. H was sitting on the couch next to her and had his phone. He got a text and responded. D continued opening her presents. H put his phone back on the couch. Another text came in. D looks at the phone and just blurts out "Why are you texting "OW name"!" H became slightly defensive and said that he wasn't. But why would D say the name anyhow. She doesn't know her. Just earlier today H discussed OW issue with me briefly and it was made clear that I knew who she was. So when D blurted out her name, he knows I know who was texting. This is not surprising though since he has not stated that the OW is gone. So I continue to watch and observe. I think hearing his own D state his girlfriends name was a bit much for him, hence the lies.

In thinking about his recent email to me, I thought I'd point out another few things that I think may help some of those that are new to the boards. Some key phrases that he used.

The girlfriend thing is rapidly becoming a non-issue. I'll let you know when it's fully a non-issue. That was one of those things that was an attempt, like moving out and trying to change things at work, to address my underlying unhappiness and frustration. Guess what? Still frustrated and unhappy.

It's so easy for us LBS to dwell on the jealousy, hurt, and anger involved with the OW or OM. The key thing to always remember is that the OW/OM is a symptom. They are using them to escape their MLC. They are looking to them as a cure. The MLCer is fundamentally unwell. Anyone willing to engage in a relationship with the MLCer must also be fundamentally unwell. This is not something to covet. It is sad. Despite outward appearances, it does not help them. Try not to keep hate for the OW/OM in your heart. It will only end up eating YOU up instead.

I don't feel like you're forcing anything. In fact, your calm patience has been the killing blow for me. If you had just simply screamed and yelled and threw things, or been a bitch about interacting with D, we would be on very separate roads right now. You did exactly the right thing at the right time.

Patience is of the utmost importance. Not to win your spouse back, but for yourself. Here again, it can be so easy to give into unhealthy emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling hurt and pain and anguish. We all do. But we must remember that the MLCer (as crappy as their actions are) is a sick individual. It does not excuse their actions and it does not make their actions any less harmful. But lashing out in response does nothing to help the situation. Learning to rise above the anger and pain is key. Not only to not driving away the MLCer, but also in ensuring your own peace and harmony within your life. Yes, this is easier said than done but it is so important.

Just a few of my thoughts as I continue to analyze the events of the last few weeks. I know my H still needs a lot of work, but I've found a lot of his statements to be very revealing from the MLC perspective. I hope it can help others going through the same issues.