agree with u wholeheartedly GK that sometimes spying can lead u to obsess. u should try to improve yourself and DB w/ the 180s, etc.
but there is potentially some value to exposure which i know from my experience. when i involved the OMW it was like lighting a fire under the proverbial rear ends of my W and the OM. my W was in fear and still is of OMW and OM decided (hopefully it stays that way) to R w/ OMW. W actually apologized at one point for bringing OMW into our lives which made laugh on the inside. in typical WAS-fashion, my W probably felt OM could do no wrong so all pressure to end A had to have come from OMW.
if u obtain incontrovertible proof that ur WAS is engaged in EA/PA then u have to ask yourself if exposure is way to go, bc do not agree that exposure = tempting fate necessarily. sometimes u need to raise the bottom for ur WAS and the OP. they have to realize what they are doing is wrong and that there are consequences to their behavior. do not feel that remaining idly by while your WAS is involved w/ OP hoping that they'll finally notice changes in u is an active enough approach. fighting for yours does not mean being vindictive and mean. overall my approach with my W did not veer negatively at all but for one night where i gave her some of the sordid details that had been shared with me like the name of the motel where she had her trysts. i have taken the high ground bc by not badgering or cajoling. when u do that, although it might seem like it feels good to express yourself and ur hurt to this person who has hurt you but in the end u do more harm than good. it has the opposite intended affect.
the picnic and the castle on blgp's thread was awesome too.
i am not as strident as some of the others on this forum in the past and try to take a more conciliatory approach prefering to discuss and consider the merits of both sides, i.e., exposure vs strict detachment w/ no exposure. it is not to say though that exposure has no role whatsoever.
