Wife is cheating, am sad but confused?

[Grocerykartman]

Starsky-

I very respectfully disagree. Granted, the only thing I'm basing it on is personal experience AND the fact that DBing tells you not to. But I never understood why DB tells you not to for a long time, so I ignored it and I spied a lot myself. Here's why I think it backfires...because you start to only see your WAW spouse as someone you have to check up on. You end up finding things out that you may absolutely not be able to forget, forgive, tolerate, etc. It crippled my ability to think clearly really, because all the time I spent spying and then going crazy over what I found out could have been better spent improving me. In retrospect, what I should have done is simply let her go, knowing full well that things were going to happen with OM that I would not like, approve of, could tolerate, etc. I should have spent that time worrying about ME and less about what she was doing, because all it did was lessen my opinion of her everyday instead of letting me detach and also find healthy ways to miss her. Instead, all I found were angry and jealous ways to miss her, which just pushed her away more.

I'm not saying it's easy, probably the hardest thing one can do really, but I really think you have to set the other person free as well as yourself. If you both really miss each other enough, you'll find the common ground to make it work again. As it stands though with people who have an OM or OW, they're already out the door and need to experience what it's really like without their spouse.

HIL knows his WAW is up to no good here, so what more evidence does he need unless he is going to do something punishing with it? At this point, all one is doing by spying is allowing themself to have their head messed with by what they find. Plus, if all of a person's time is spent obsessing over spying, what time does that leave for improving themselves? Spying really isn't detaching, it just enables you to find out more things you may not be able to handle very well. Then, if you handle them wrong, that will put more pressure on your WAS to do the right thing, which they will likely run away from since they are already not fazed at all with the sneaking around they are doing.

Timeheals, I would say that it's the right thing to do if that person you are telling is someone you know very well. At this point, though, HIL does not know OM's fiancee and it is causing him to get further involved with the A, not more detached from it. Case in point, there were a couple of married scumballs who were making advances towards my XW during our separation, telling her how much they liked her, one of them has made repeated sexual advances, etc. Now, I could easily facebook message either of their wives, as I was once at a point I did think that would be a good idea. But then I stopped and thought: "there are kids involved with both of these married guys...it's not your job to be the one to possibly break up families. It's none of your business." This, despite the fact that I would internally love to see these two knuckleheads get what's coming to them. But I think it's the wrong thing to do.

Mostly though, the right thing for HIL is to simply do what's right for him and improve himself....that's the best way he'll seem attractive enough for his wife to second-guess her involvement with OM. If he tells the fiancee, that's just getting further into the web of the game she and OM are playing.
I don't think it's about the easy or hard thing to do, it's more about minding your own business and not stooping into the game.