funny enough just spoke with my wife couple hours ago. she was taking my 9 y/o to football practice tonight and said all he did was ask why he didn't have a grandfather like all of the other kids he knows. again and again saying same to her, which obviously bothered her. i never met my father and hers is a child molester. shortly after the birth of our 2nd child (also a girl with the oldest now 15 and #2 13), we came to decision that our children could never be safe around her father hence we made the decision to cut him off.
we have talked about the importance of forgiveness mostly in the context of Retrouvaille. but tonight the W broached the idea of forgiveness vis-a-vis her father for 1st time ever. i said sure u could look at the idea of forgiving him but does that also mean having him involved or at least occasionally in contact with our children, albeit with 100% supervision? i told her that those were 2 separate things.
W's mother (my MiL) pretty cold cookie, unaffectionate, not terribly supportive emotionally and chose to stay w/ FiL despite the above. acts as if everything OK there but at same time has respected our decision. MiL has not pressed us to include FiL especially on holidays and special events like christenings and communion. W only has S who has psych problems. i suspect some of that could be result of having been victim of abuse also but SiL has never admitted to it. SiL is wound very tight too. both MiL and SiL have not questioned our decision. SiL has one D and she too has not allowed her to come into contact w/ FiL. SiL does talk w/ FiL tho and he reaches out to SiL to the best of my knowledge.
very, very strange is it not? it is probably typical of these sorts of things. i have only the utmost compassion, love and respect for my W however much we r in the sitch we r. love that picnic and the castle story. Retrouvaille was great. at times my W expresses great anger w/ how her A was exposed and continues to blame me for our troubles. but on other W has been very nice at times and seems to be making effort to connect w/ me. today in fact just she and I went on nice hike where we talked and connected.
i definitely sense an undercurrent of various things, from:
SADNESS - over our sitch and her "not feeling the same way about you" in her words. this includes saying i never felt sexually attracted to u for many years, perhaps the inceptin of our M which i do not believe. not true but hard when someomne says that to u. would i call this "depression" on the heels of her A w/ the resultant withdrawal i have been told to expect? maybe.
ANGER - over how I am responsible for all that went wrong w/ our M which i suspect is being used to mask her guilt over the A. we have talked about forgiving ourselves and each other, and the W reacted angrily last night to suggestion that she needs my forgiveness when i was the one who eff'd up. sounds like someone w/ guilt. W after all prides herself on being close to God and has readily acknowledged idea of breaking one of the 10 commandments and writing "how can he forgive me" in her Retrouvaille notebook.
HOPE - bc things seem to be going well at times w/ her acknowledging my changes as well as planning for the future which i find strange at times bc of where we currently stand in our M w/ W just having been outed from an A barely 5-6 weeks ago for 2nd time. whoa.
insofar as W contacting OM again? wow. i have never really discounted that possibility bc i know it's out there. from my talk w/ him and the many w/ OMW, they seem done w/ us but that is smokescreen potentially from him. do ultimately suspect OM is predator from prior behaviors and he enjoyed chase of my W who is attractive. she pined for him and "fell in love." possible that he wants nothing to do with her, but wouldnt guarantee it. moreover, W most def has deep feelings for him however much Retrouvaille has planted seed. do not trust that it is indeed truly OVER. the brain would tell me to be ready, but the heart quakes in fear over that possibility. i do not know if i am strong enough to take more games and clandestine BS from her in the pursuit of OM if that were to occur. ugh. i want to forget about it but know i cannot allow myself to. i KNOW that it does not hold any promise of a future for either of them yet marvel at how stupid they both are. like most of us on this board, we have a great capacity for love and forgiveness for why else would we be here. if not we would be on websites like myspouseisaloser.com or similar.
her behavior right now seems to be like that of a woman pulled in all directions not knowing what to do or where to turn. my wife is a Thinker. i know she understands that anything w/ A is illusion. but her heart is another. the addiction was very powerful.
i have embraced the idea of forgiveness. really. everytime i think about W and OM, drive by the motel where i think they met, hear her hurtful words like she never loved me or i cannot remember ever making love to u as if it meant something, look into her eyes and see the confusion/pain/hurt, look at my children and marvel at the beauty knowing that we made them together... i answer it the same way. i say that i can and do forgive her. i love her. i do that under God also. i ask for my forgiveness from the damage done to our M. i do know that her decision to have A was HER decision tho, not mine.
insofar as me? why yes. have repeatedly looked in the mirror and realized i have been left wanting as a father, husband, son and brother. no more. need to get out there and make friends too bc i am not alone. hard to do that though when u have 5 kids and are trying to work on your M with Retrouvaille. but no excuses, huh?
thank you for your words of support and kindness Cyrena. do not know if u r religious, but i have really come into contact w/ my spirituality for obvious reasons in past several weeks. suspect that one day when we go before God, our good words and deeds will be rewarded. You will be.
