It's still so hard some days...

[AntoniaB]

I totally get what you're saying here. I was thinking the same thing today. My life alone is really great in so many ways. I'm really doing it, living on my own, having my family and friends close to me, having a lot of professional success, and just really used to living alone and actually enjoying the lack of conflict and solitude. I'm happy. I never thought I would be again, but I am. I can see that I'm happy with myself and that's worth a ton. But now that I've decided to stop all contact with my H, and now that I'm really actually sticking to it and not caving and giving in, I just think constantly how "wrong" it feels for us not to be in contact. There are so many times a day that I want to text or email or call even just to say "oh gosh, one of the cats just climbed up the attic stairs and walked all over up there!" because he'd get a kick out of that, or "hey I got this accomplishment at work" because I know he'd be proud of me, but I keep telling myself what is the point? If I do that I feel like I contribute to his cake-eating and I give him the best friend he lost when I get nothing in return from him, no commitment, and a spouse who walked away from me into an affair and who won't go to counseling and who filed for divorce two weeks ago.

I feel like if I contact him, he'll think I'm ok with the divorce filing and this affair isn't that painful to me, and it is. AND if I contact him, I feel like I'm the only one who has potential to get hurt because one bit of kindness from him and I'll start believing he wants me back.

So I get you totally in wanting to contact your ex. It feels unnatural and wrong for a long-term relationship to just sort of die almost overnight. I feel like HE died. I don't see him or hear from him at all. Yet he lives 15 min. away. But it's like he doesn't exist, and I'm sure to him now that I stopped initiating contact, it's like I don't exist, which makes it all the easier for him to have his affair.

So I know it's so hard. Stay strong. You and I are in the same boat. We deserve better and we'll get a better life and relationship some day, either with husband version 2.0 or someone else somewhere down the line.