There are so many websites and helps devoted to helping marriages recover after infidelity. But what about abuse? Is it possible for marriage to survive abuse?
My husband and I were married 2 and a half years ago. We've been separated for 8 months of that, now. To give a bit of background:
I have a daughter from a previous relationship. He has a conviction of domestic assault from a previous relationship. I was 6 months pregnant on our wedding day. We now have 3 children (the youngest is 7 mo). From the time our first daughter (my second child) was born, we fought, and he grew increasingly violent, and he hurt me once, not seriously though, but I never reported that time. We nearly separated before our first anniversary. Then we had 2 car accidents in 4 days, both fairly serious, and moved 6 weeks later, which seemed to, I don't know.. put us back together. Then we became pregnant again, when our daughter was about 10 mo old, and we started fighting a lot, again.. and again he became increasingly violent, to the point where he assaulted me (1 month before our youngest was born), and I called police. He now has a second conviction of assault, though he is only sentenced to probation. As I said, we haven't lived together since. We've been separated 8 months now. During that separation, we had talked, tried dating again briefly, and then I discovered that he was also seeing at least one other partner, and talking with others (phone sex). I told him then that I was no longer interested in continuing to see him, and that I would be filing for divorce.
I have seen a counsellor, a few of them actually, and most of them have said that an abuser never changes.
He has also gone to counselling, both court ordered and sought counselling individually as well. I have seen a number of changes. He seems to have taken responsibility for his actions and his choices. He has indicated that he wants our marriage to work, and he is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. He has said to me and to others that he is also willing to wait as long as it will take to earn my trust.
He visits the children whenever he is allowed, both by child protection services and myself. He is consistent, he calls regularly, and he has said he is looking for ways to be a better father -- taking CPR, father support groups, parenting classes, etc.
He agreed to sign a separation agreement, giving me custody of our kids, and paying support every month. He hasn't missed a payment, and has, when he has visited the kids, bought things besides.
About 6 months into our separation, after discovering he was seeing and talking with other women, I moved to a different city, for a variety of reasons, supports and services being the majority of them (my oldest is ADHD, and my 2nd has developmental delays). He hasn't missed a visit, but has taken time off work to come here to see them.
When I married, I didn't go into it wanting a divorce. I still don't. And I have been impressed with what I've seen so far. Family and friends have also shared that they have seen major changes in his life, his attitude and his resolve. But I'm scared that this isn't permanent. I'm afraid to trust him, afraid that if I do give him another chance I will just end up getting emotionally hurt, and physically hurt again, and that this time my children will be hurt more.
Is it possible for a marriage to survive and recover from abuse? I miss the man I dated, though I definitely don't miss all the fighting in our marriage. I want our kids to have a father, and I kind of would like more children, if possible. But I don't want to risk their or my safety. I don't want them exposed to violence.
Is it possible? If so, how? If not, how do I move on? Do I give this marriage a chance? Do I simply call it quits and work on coparenting with him? I want to do the right thing, not just what my emotions tell me (which varies daily!).
I think you are making the right decision in moving on.
He has assaulted you before in addition to people in his past relationships.
My advice would be to get a really good counsellor to work on yourself and past these things you have endured. It is never ok for someone to assault you.
The problem lies within him (though he will blame it all on you).
Abusers actually do change--they get worse.
A great book I recommend is "Why Does He Do That?" Check it out.
