Finding My Way

[Mystik]

Not feeling so strong right now. Just dropped DS off to H. H decided it was a good time to ask me about when it's time to go to the hospital, if DS is with him do I want H to call me so I can go to the hospital to pick him up, or do I not want to know about it and he'll figure something out. I told him that I do not want to know about it. He replied "Interesting".

I still feel like this is all some horrible nightmare that I'm going to wake up from.

[Mystik]

While waiting for H to get there today I did some praying. I feel like I am supposed to be doing something, anything, right now to try and draw H back to me. But I know that as long as Whore is in the picture he's going to continue on in this affair fog. So I asked God for guidance in what I should be doing right now, and how to act around H so that I don't push him further away but don't come across as desperate and clingy.

H doesn't feel he's having an affair. He feels because he had already left me before he hooked up with Whore that it's not an affair. But it still is, both legally and in my perspective. I am pretty sure it was at least an EA with her before he even left. About two and a half months before he left I found text messages on his phone. He was asking someone listed in his contacts as Z "If I wasn't married would you be in a relationship with me?" and Z replied, "You're the first person I would be in a relationship with." When I confronted H about the texts he claimed it was a friend from work who I knew, he was just goofing around with her and only had the texts on his phone so I could find them and get hurt by them. This is after he had promised me transparency because things were already rocky and we were trying to work them out. So yeah, it's definitely an affair as far as I'm concerned.

[Mystik]

IDU, I'm trying my damndest to be strong. But it's hard when he keeps dealing blow after blow to me.

My stomach is already a churning mass of nerves about e-mailing him. If I'm already stressing out now imagine how freaked I'll be tomorrow. And I also am trying to stay as dark as I can, so to be breaking that darkness isn't easy for me either.

[idontunderstand]

I still feel like this is all some horrible nightmare that I'm going to wake up from.

I'm so sorry for what he's putting you through. It's not a dream but you must wake up!

Others will disagree and tell me I'm wrong, but the rules do change when there are kids involved. You are going to have to interact with your H for the next several years. There's no way around that. You have to get to the point to where you accept that her isn't the person you thought you knew even though he is the father of your child. It makes it that much harder, I know. The fact remains, as unfair as it is, you have to let him go be where he wants to be and with whoever he want to be with.

It's no easy task and you shouldn't have to be going through something like this. But you are. Get back to him giving you what he owes you and what you deserve and only deal with him about your DS. He's not worth the time of day from you.

He really isn't.

[Mystik]

Not much interaction with H tonight when he dropped off DS. I didn't have my window down like usual (it was darn cold out) so he asked if I was ok. I said I was, he said that he was just asking because my window was still up and DS had wanted to say hi through the window. He said good-bye to DS then left.

I'm feeling somewhat compelled to be friendly with him, but am not sure I am strong enough to handle that.

[pinhead]

Don't give into compulsions. Interact when necessary for your kids, but let him go.

[Mystik]

I'll be good, Pinhead, and not give in to the ponderings and compulsions.

------------------------

Ended up not e-mailing H today. When I checked the list of what he owed me that I keep at work I saw that I had forgotten some of the daycare expenses from changing daycares for the summer. So I had to add that in. The new total is $1,597.73.

He tried to call me this morning, I was busy getting DS and myself ready to go so I ignored it, he didn't leave a voice mail. He texted me this evening to tell me I should google some video that DS likes. I didn't respond, didn't see the need to.

I did have to talk to him for a few minutes tonight to coordinate for DS tomorrow. Because DS has a sinus infection H is going to have to pick him up from school then stop by my place to get his antibiotics, they need to stay refrigerated and I can't send DS to school with medicine. Kept it brief and impersonal, did my best to keep my tone of voice neutral to cool.

[KellBell0820]

Mystik, I think you're doing pretty good. I have to agree with IDU, rules change when kids are involved. You'll have to interact for several more years. That's why I think detaching is so important in our types of sitch's. I think you have to be detached in order to deal. I'm sorry for what he's put you through, no one deserves that. Unfortunately it's something that has to be woken up from, sucks. You can do it though and you and your S will come out better in the end.

[Abbey]

Thinking about you. How are the upped meds working for you? I know I had to go from 10 to 20 to finally 40 mgs of Lexapro in order to make it through. I ended up sleeping a lot but frankly,... your body needs the rest. I'm only now 3 years later back to 10 mgs.

Mystic, you know that I KNOW what you're going through. I went through this right down to the pregnant whore. Darlin'... it's time to let go. Let him go. You are wasting way too much energy on "why" and "if" and frankly NONE of it is going to do you one ounce of good in your quest to be happy again. You're way too stuck in needing answers you'll never get.

I remember thinking when I split from H, ... I'll never have sex again. Your mind can do some weird things to you during times like these.

Look,... time for some tough love from one who's been there. You're making mistakes... BIG MISTAKES that aren't helping you. This is "divorce busting" and frankly, you're not doing it. You're stuck in a place that's NOT letting him go. In order for anything positive to come out of this... you HAVE to let him go.

It's time to look in the mirror and say: How am I becoming the person only an IDIOT wouldn't want to be with? If you're not focused on that... then you're sliding. If he's having an affair and he doesn't see it that way right now. WHO CARES?!? In the long run it means NOTHING to your quest. You're not going to get him to change his mind so why waste one ounce of energy on that?

What if right now someone took you by the shoulders and shook you and said that most of what you're focused on is counter productive to EVER getting the man back? What they told you that you're effectively and repeatedly pushing your H back into the whore's arms? What would you need to change? THAT my dear is where you need to re-point your focus. Your self esteem has taken a direct nuclear hit. You CAN'T attract him (or anyone) in this state until you start putting the stuffing back inside yourself.

Mystic, really... I'm urging you with everything in me. Go back, read DB again, read the principles of it and get selfish. You should be spending every waking moment dealing with: How am I progressing into BECOMING the person that only an IDIOT wouldn't want to be with. What am I DOING to become that person? Screw the H... he's alien abducted right now. Wishing, hoping and fretting is NOT going to get you what you want. YOU need to be that secure person in order to ever survive him coming back. (Believe me, I KNOW!) It's you right now who's not there. Until you get there... you're going to keep chasing your tail and it's ripping you apart.

I'm going to keep saying this to you: YOU need to BECOME the person that only an IDIOT wouldn't want to be with. Work on that.

Big Hugs (seriously!)
Abbey

[pinhead]

YOU need to BECOME the person that only an IDIOT wouldn't want to be with.

That's exactly what everyone here should be doing.