Should she write the letter ot not? I think if it makes you feel better, then do it. What have you got to lose.
I have read on here, over and over, now is not the time to send a letter like that. OTOH, it can be therapeutic for YOU to write it and pour your heart out, get it ALL out and down on paper. BUT DON'T SEND IT! I believe it will, indeed, fall on deaf ears.
It can help you find out where you are at this point in time, things you need to work on yourself and where you want to be in the future.
I'm at work for another 2 hours. I have to go back to my soon to be former home to get some more clothes to move over to my new room. After that I should try to check out the fitness center in the community where I'm staying.
YES, get into that fitness center/gym tonight. Work some of that fear energy into sweat.
YES, get your clothes and start nesting up your spot at the new house. Anything else you can do to make yourself feel more at home in your new surroundings while you engage on this working on YOU process?
Re: the money sitch, what steps can you take towards long-term solution of more moolah?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Should she write the letter ot not? I think if it makes you feel better, then do it. What have you got to lose.
I have read on here, over and over, now is not the time to send a letter like that. OTOH, it can be therapeutic for YOU to write it and pour your heart out, get it ALL out and down on paper. BUT DON'T SEND IT! I believe it will, indeed, fall on deaf ears.
It can help you find out where you are at this point in time, things you need to work on yourself and where you want to be in the future.
Again, just my $.02.
I agree 100% with IDU re: writing it, but not sending it and was told the same by my IC. I did a whole Step 8/Step 9 type inventory of all the wrongs I did to my W (not just the EAs -- everything that I could think of) in my R. It is scarily long. I have NOT read it to her and won't until (or if) we ever get to the point of piecing, but it has served at least three purposes:
1) Gave me more empathy for her hurt -- much easier to validate, be patient through the process if I could empathize with her hurts.
2) Showed me what issues I needed to work on/understand with myself (looking for themes in the wrongs).
3) When she brings a hurt up to me, I am prepared to acknowledge it, own it, and express amends re: it.
Think of it this way, SoA. There almost for sure WILL be a time when he brings it up in the future. If you write it out, you will be prepared.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
My IC says he has abandonment issues since his biological father bailed when he was small, and that when people with abandonment issues shut the door, they never open it again. Is she right?
By the way, I'm reading all of the advice, trying to absorb it, re-reading it. Please keep it coming, don't think I'm not listening. Just completely overwhelmed. You guys are the best. Thanks so much for your patience with me.
That is crazy mind reading and fortune telling from your IC.
He may or may not open the door. If you live the sitch acting "as if" the door is forever shut, a set of bad outcomes is more likely. If you ACCEPT that it may be shut forever, but WORK towards the possibility that it might be opened (Stockdale paradox), then a different set of interactions may follow.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
By the way, I'm reading all of the advice, trying to absorb it, re-reading it. Please keep it coming, don't think I'm not listening. Just completely overwhelmed. You guys are the best. Thanks so much for your patience with me.
Not a problem, SoA.
It is overwhelming and it's good to be able to talk with others who have been in the exact same place .
Come back as often as you can and read, read, read! So many common themes. You can always learn from other threads.
That is crazy mind reading and fortune telling from your IC.
He may or may not open the door. If you live the sitch acting "as if" the door is forever shut, a set of bad outcomes is more likely. If you ACCEPT that it may be shut forever, but WORK towards the possibility that it might be opened (Stockdale paradox), then a different set of interactions may follow.
This is what I'm working on. Living in a way that if he were to change his mind, my door is still open for reconciliation. No running around, no affairs, emotional or otherwise. Just obsessing and worrying and hoping that we can work this out someday. Oh and trying to do things right until then.
No way of knowing what his psyche reveals. All you can go on is what is the here and now.
SOA, were you really happy in your M or was it getting bad?
It wasn't bad, per se, but something was missing, no doubt. I realized reading DR that the fact that you're no longer in the "honeymoon" phase doesn't mean your marriage is broken. We had our problems. Of course, communication was a biggie. If he didn't want to talk about something, he just didn't, period. There were lots of things I wanted to talk about, for instance, the SSM issue, finances, writing a will, making a budget, having friends over, what color we should paint the bedroom, etc. I'd ask him if dinner was good, he'd say "It's ok". That seemed to be his standard answer for everything. I wanted him to say, "Yes, I like it", or "no, I don't like it" but how could everything be just "ok"? I lost a lot of weight and everyone else seemed to notice. I'm sure my perception was flawed, and maybe he payed more attention to me than I thought. Whenever I wanted to talk about something serious, or ML, he was tired, had a headache, etc. Maybe saying he did that every time isn't true, but that's how I felt. So, did we have a bad marrige? No. Did we have things to work on? Yes. If I had read DR before I went "astray" could I have fixed our problems without him even realizing what was going on? Maybe.
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