John, that's part of my problem. How I feel about it depends on the day! I wish I was black and white but sometimes I think I am some weird spin-art picture, with black, white, and swirls of gray...
Sometimes I don't feel like dealing with him so I ignore the phone. But other times I just feel like ignoring him is back to game playing/plotting/strategizing, and I am just tired of all that! Granted, I do ignore my mom's phone calls some times and I am definitely not DB-ing her, so I suppose it isn't always game-playing to ignore phone calls.
The 11 texts were all his tirade about thinking his alimony check was going to bounce. They were all spew. In response to all 11 I sent a single text, "Yes I agree you seem miserable and the kids hate that" or something like that. Agree and they go away, I have heard. And he did not send a single text after that.
You are right, I do not need the IC to tell me how I feel. the problem is I guess I am all over the place. Some days he can text something and I feel kicked in the gut. Other times he can send a nasty gram and I am amused, other times, unmoved. I suppose if it bothered me every time I would just ignore all his calls. But part of me has felt that being able to 'take it' shows progress, that I don't have to 'hide' from him.
I know I don't make sense. But I am being honest with you guys here...it's the one place I know I can be open.
And John, I do not get warm fuzzies from his messages. Saying I can go to hell or saying he hates women, those things do not feel me with any sense that we are just bound to reconcile...
However again if all cards are being placed on the table, so to speak, I recognize that there is a part of me who takes a small measure of satisfaction in him texting me, calling me, etc because it means that he still finds himself connected to me even as he is saying he has no connection. Yes, I know it is sad. And it is only a small part of me, a part that continues to shrink over time. But, like I said, I want to be honest with you guys and with myself.
I wish I was black and white but sometimes I think I am some weird spin-art picture, with black, white, and swirls of gray...
