WAW The cold & cruel truth!

[25yearsmlc]

love the new name!

Set your wife free. That's what she says she wants anyhow, and you cannot control her or her choices. So let her go. (Letting her go is b/c you have No choice, remember? But how you do it, ah...that IS your choice).

No way can she miss you or the kids if she's got you & them always available. And You assume all her free time is blissful and that she doesn't miss you or the kids. In fact, she's told you the opposite. I saw that as a great sign. NO, not that she's ready to come back, or that you want her to, but that she gets it. She doesn't hate you and she even knows this.

As for the kids and the responsibility, um, let me put it this way. Most men would love to have your "problem". You get them a lot, so thank GOD for that and don't whine so much. Yes you have logisitical issues (no small matter, we know) but they are problems that all single parents have. My mom had 9 kids in 12 years, with a workaholic absentee h, (my dad) and my h is a physician whom I put thru med school, residency, etc AND we have 3 kids AND I worked full time plus did all the parenting for about a decade, literally. WE get it.

But you see your kids! And your wife admits you are a good father (keep the emails/texts in which she states that as evidence and if she threatens to take them away in writing, or it's witnessed, document that.) Unfortunately she also thinks she holds all the cards with custody, but forgets that the more you have the kids, the better for you. As a L, I can tell you that courts frown on her threats big time.

Your challenge is to counter her reasons for leaving you, all her negative images, with "new data"-i.e., positive images. I assume she gave you the ILYBINILWY talk and either has an active OM, or wants to. To do this, she has to justify it by believing bad things about you or your M. So, you have to present a different image. And it's NOT to get her back, but to save your custody rights and maybe to get her thinking. IF she does think it out and wakes up, and if you want back in after she wakes up, THEN you can consider it. But do things differently.

Lose the anger in front of her, unless she verbally abuses you. Then demand respect by leaving if she cannot control herself after ONE warning. IOW, if she berates you,esp in front of the kids, or threatens you about the kids, you warn her once to treat you with the respect that you as a man and as the father of her children deserve, and if she doesn't calm down, you walk out (or have her leave if you're at home).

No matter what, be calm. Even in anger, stay calm and in control (not robotically, but not losing your temper). It's far more powerful & effective than having what will appear to be a temper tantrum or worse, something she can claim is dangerous. (She'll tell the courts if you break a plate or slam the wall, so beware...That's your Achilles heel so watch out for it.)

As for her getting the kids, aside from how unlikely that is, I have to wonder if she's even seriously thinking that out. I almost wonder if you should call her bluff. Geez, How super fun is it for a woman with 4 kids to start her new social life? If there's an OM, does he want to be a nearly full time step dad? Is that their idea of romance? I doubt it...

Back to what Bond said, what's new in YOUR LIFE? What 180s are you doing? What's your GAL activity? Can you take a class or find something new to do? I like the poker idea but it'd be even better for you to get out of the house too. And maybe meet some new people. Yes, even women...

Your wife needs to up her respect for you. Have you read any of Gucci or Robx's advice? It's out there. "Setting free" the WAS is a title I think. You need to read it.

Love has to be freely given or it's not real. Let her go and find out what life is like without the father of her children and face the consequences of her choices. Set her free and be upbeat about your new life. As if you've resigned yourself to her unfortunate choices but will make the best of it for YOU and yours and that you wish her well but....now her happiness is NOT your problem. All her choices will be her responsibility so you must back off. Detach. It does get easier. (There are articles on this site about Detachment which you must read asap. You are not doing it and it hurts and you are prolonging your own pain. Stop that. Seriously.)

I do think you should do Halloween together (could be wrong, but going on my gut). Why? B/C if you present it well and manage to actually have a good time WITHOUT ANY R TALK or moody looks or sulking, AT ALL...THEN you'll be creating a memory for her to cherish...AND MISS... And the more postiive memories you create, the better for the kids (might be their last Halloween together so do it at least for them) AND, I think it gives your w a reminder that "this is it". She will be missing out on her children's childhood...ooops. Show her that she won't enjoy life so much without them. And the picture she has of somehow replacing you with a new man who will ONLY be uber positive - and the illusion she has that no damage or pain will result, will sink in with more beautiful memories being created. So make those.

The more you present a fun active lifestyle with the kids, the more you give her to miss. The more you complain about how unfair the burden is on you, the more she'll flee. Plus, it's a "burden" you probably want, correct? Most men fade out of their kids lives. But Maybe a better 50-50 ratio will happen and that's fine if you want it. But No one misses being nagged or guilted (if guilt were effective, she'd be home by now). But they do miss fun loving warm people and NO woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father....so keep that up for all sorts of reasons.

Good luck