I know all of you have been here. Yes it's tough, as you all know. I've been trying to clean out rooms and rearrange things to help offset the darker moments when the house is empty... It has helped a bit. I have been trying to GAL, VERY difficult to find time, my W has tons of that. I have gone out fir drinks here and there, try not to do that as much. I'm a not stuck on my off days (1-2 days without kids per week) doing errands or other work around the house that I just can't do with my 4 lil ones around. I think after she moves out, things will be easier for me to get a better system going. Extremely difficult days with 4 kid alone, but I do enjoy them. I do realize I spend WAY too much time focusing on my W / the divorce... Trying not to... I've been just ignoring her or the issues really to stay calm. Obviously I'm lonely as hell, but do talk to friends regularly. Not sure what the heck to do with myself half the time to be honest. I'm sad to say, I'm worried alot about how finances will be affected after the D is final. I have mentioned to the guys, I'd like to get a poker game going, but need her out first. Plan to get a BBQ going in the near future... I'm not too creative hey? Baby Steps. What the heck should I be doing?
Why do you need to wait until she's out to do those things? Now is the the time you should be doing them. While she's still around. Show her you've moved on. This is what she needs to see.
Even just taking the kids out to the park without her. Do all the things a Dad needs to do to keep the kids happy. Forget about your W for awhile.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes I'm working on that. I guess it's not exactly accurate... My new name... CrushedNearly2Death. Not so final... And the Nearly part gives hope of surviving. Only Kidding, but I will be changing it.
My new username! You were right... a necessary change... a positive change, and another step in the right direction. Being a parent is a priceless gift, and my children are my world, so I wanted to be reminded of them. They have proven to be my light of hope during my darkest moments so far. No matter how much my heart hurts, or how hopeless things appear, I always find the strength to fight on when my babies are near!
Set your wife free. That's what she says she wants anyhow, and you cannot control her or her choices. So let her go. (Letting her go is b/c you have No choice, remember? But how you do it, ah...that IS your choice).
No way can she miss you or the kids if she's got you & them always available. And You assume all her free time is blissful and that she doesn't miss you or the kids. In fact, she's told you the opposite. I saw that as a great sign. NO, not that she's ready to come back, or that you want her to, but that she gets it. She doesn't hate you and she even knows this.
As for the kids and the responsibility, um, let me put it this way. Most men would love to have your "problem". You get them a lot, so thank GOD for that and don't whine so much. Yes you have logisitical issues (no small matter, we know) but they are problems that all single parents have. My mom had 9 kids in 12 years, with a workaholic absentee h, (my dad) and my h is a physician whom I put thru med school, residency, etc AND we have 3 kids AND I worked full time plus did all the parenting for about a decade, literally. WE get it.
But you see your kids! And your wife admits you are a good father (keep the emails/texts in which she states that as evidence and if she threatens to take them away in writing, or it's witnessed, document that.) Unfortunately she also thinks she holds all the cards with custody, but forgets that the more you have the kids, the better for you. As a L, I can tell you that courts frown on her threats big time.
Your challenge is to counter her reasons for leaving you, all her negative images, with "new data"-i.e., positive images. I assume she gave you the ILYBINILWY talk and either has an active OM, or wants to. To do this, she has to justify it by believing bad things about you or your M. So, you have to present a different image. And it's NOT to get her back, but to save your custody rights and maybe to get her thinking. IF she does think it out and wakes up, and if you want back in after she wakes up, THEN you can consider it. But do things differently.
Lose the anger in front of her, unless she verbally abuses you. Then demand respect by leaving if she cannot control herself after ONE warning. IOW, if she berates you,esp in front of the kids, or threatens you about the kids, you warn her once to treat you with the respect that you as a man and as the father of her children deserve, and if she doesn't calm down, you walk out (or have her leave if you're at home).
No matter what, be calm. Even in anger, stay calm and in control (not robotically, but not losing your temper). It's far more powerful & effective than having what will appear to be a temper tantrum or worse, something she can claim is dangerous. (She'll tell the courts if you break a plate or slam the wall, so beware...That's your Achilles heel so watch out for it.)
As for her getting the kids, aside from how unlikely that is, I have to wonder if she's even seriously thinking that out. I almost wonder if you should call her bluff. Geez, How super fun is it for a woman with 4 kids to start her new social life? If there's an OM, does he want to be a nearly full time step dad? Is that their idea of romance? I doubt it...
Back to what Bond said, what's new in YOUR LIFE? What 180s are you doing? What's your GAL activity? Can you take a class or find something new to do? I like the poker idea but it'd be even better for you to get out of the house too. And maybe meet some new people. Yes, even women...
Your wife needs to up her respect for you. Have you read any of Gucci or Robx's advice? It's out there. "Setting free" the WAS is a title I think. You need to read it.
Love has to be freely given or it's not real. Let her go and find out what life is like without the father of her children and face the consequences of her choices. Set her free and be upbeat about your new life. As if you've resigned yourself to her unfortunate choices but will make the best of it for YOU and yours and that you wish her well but....now her happiness is NOT your problem. All her choices will be her responsibility so you must back off. Detach. It does get easier. (There are articles on this site about Detachment which you must read asap. You are not doing it and it hurts and you are prolonging your own pain. Stop that. Seriously.)
I do think you should do Halloween together (could be wrong, but going on my gut). Why? B/C if you present it well and manage to actually have a good time WITHOUT ANY R TALK or moody looks or sulking, AT ALL...THEN you'll be creating a memory for her to cherish...AND MISS... And the more postiive memories you create, the better for the kids (might be their last Halloween together so do it at least for them) AND, I think it gives your w a reminder that "this is it". She will be missing out on her children's childhood...ooops. Show her that she won't enjoy life so much without them. And the picture she has of somehow replacing you with a new man who will ONLY be uber positive - and the illusion she has that no damage or pain will result, will sink in with more beautiful memories being created. So make those.
The more you present a fun active lifestyle with the kids, the more you give her to miss. The more you complain about how unfair the burden is on you, the more she'll flee. Plus, it's a "burden" you probably want, correct? Most men fade out of their kids lives. But Maybe a better 50-50 ratio will happen and that's fine if you want it. But No one misses being nagged or guilted (if guilt were effective, she'd be home by now). But they do miss fun loving warm people and NO woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father....so keep that up for all sorts of reasons.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yearsmlc, I sincerely apprecitiate you taking the time to write the long post with great advice. Up to this point my emotions have been my biggest problem. I agree, I REALLY need to set her free, so I can free my mind. It's painfully clear that there is NOTHING I can do. Your absolutely right, I have to let go and move on with my life with my babies, because I do have no choice. Staying calm is key now for my own sanity, and focusing less / not at all on this issue is best for the kids. THEY deserve my undivided attention, they deserve my love!
BTW I discussed custody with my W. I did not want to have to drop them off at her house to a sitter until she got home from work, because I don't think the daily moving is good for them. Besides they'd just sleep there until she got up to just bring them to school. My sister will be moving in temporarily (year or so), to assist, until I am first shift. I just needed someone to be at my home while they sleep. My wife agreed that my proposal was best for the kids, even though she said she will miss them. So now the kids will sleep at my house 5-6 days out of the week, my sis will get them ready for school, wife will pick up and be responsible the baby and issues regarding the other kids if something come up while their in school from 7a-2p. She will have them all day 1-2 days per week. Only catch is, even though I'll have the kids the majority of the time and doing the majority the parenting, she wants my lawyer to put it in writing that it will still be consisted 50/50 custody & placement, so she won't have to pay me and she'll still get paid child support (because she makes less). I don't care about the money, I want my kids.
I just got my W off of the joint account, so I plan to purchase the DB & DR books... I'm sure I'll learn some good skills to use later even if we don't reconcile. I will locate and read "Setting Free"
I will be putting MAJOR effort into doing things differently, losing the anger/resentment in front of her has been a huge hurdle for me.
Her happiness will no longer be my problem. I have been letting her struggle with her choices, yes she get FURIOUS, trys to guilt me into helping her, because as she says, "it is for your kids". I don't fall for that anymore.
I am guilty of R talks, being moody, sulking, all of the wring things you mentioned... No More! I will take your advice regarding Halloween, I don't want to miss it for the kids ske and mine. I agree with your take on making positive memories, I do intend to do my best on main holidays & big occassions to be there for the kids. That's it! I also intend to create great memories without her, because I need to for me.
I'm not too creative hey? Baby Steps. What the heck should I be doing?
Not so final... And the Nearly part gives hope of surviving. Only Kidding, but I will be changing it.