So sorry you are having a bad day. This is so hard to hear, learn about, very hard to deal with. The one positive I can say is you now know what you are up against, and that is something. Better than thinking he only left for other reasons.
I am not understanding why you think he wants to get caught.
Last edited by gutwrenching; 10/13/1012:04 PM.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
That is an interesting theory. Not sure what to think about that, because didn't experience that at all in sitch. My W also very intelligent/well educated and once she suspected I was catching on, she hid things well...and hid them better and better as time went on.
Regardless, this isn't about what he wants. It is about what you want. Do you want to catch him? Do you want to prove to him that you know of the A? Think before answering...there are pros and cons and only you can decide this. Others can give their opinions and those opinions should be considered, but this is your life.
When you expose even if just to H, everything is out in the open and that changes the dynamics of the "R" (or whatever it is at this point), it also could help end the high/adrenaline from the secrecy or could drive them deeper undercover which only increases that adrenaline (that's what happened to me) and in a way makes things worse. It will drive new feelings/emotions for your H, no telling what, but guilt could become an issue for him. It will also drive new emotions for you because you know and he knows that you know. So everytime you see him at work, you are not pretending or playing the game or hiding, you will have acknowledged that he cheated and he lied. Trust me, it will be different.
And no matter what, don't forget to always strive to be the best option by becoming a better/stronger person...
And continue to really, really work on detaching. I get the impression it is not easy for you, so you need to chip away at that a little bit at a time
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Well, whether he has acknowledged it to himself or not, he knows I know. It has been pure silence from him (e-mail/text-wise, haven't seen him) since our e-mailing back and forth night before last/yesterday morning. The final e-mails were from me telling him essentially- gently- that he should really consider the consequences of telling people (about us) as more people will get involved... I left with a ...everything will be OK, text me if you need me, thinking of you and wishing you well... No response whatsoever, very different than usual. Hopefully he will one day confront himself but I think he is a long way from it. I do continue to take the high road and I am the better option, there isn't a competition there. She is very different than me, I would guess that he thinks his problems will be solved since she is the opposite of me. Well, I have continued to show him my kinder, gentler side... it's been absent for a while.
Regardless, yes, it is difficult to detach but I realize every day, more and more, how important it is for my own health and career. I can not let his foolish choices and justifications (they are on their way, no doubt) wreak havoc on my life. It is getting really old. 10 weeks is not a long time however after 9 years, so I am doing the best that I can I think. Will keep looking for ways to improve.
By the way... has anyone out there read Passionate Marriage? (david snarch- i think) The title is deceiving, you don't have to be in a relationship to get a ton out of that book. It really makes you confront yourself. I bit of a tough read but very, very worth it. He just wrote another book, coming out soon.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Oh puke. Ok, I just went to another part of the hospital and one of our mutual friends told me how sorry she was to hear about us. I haven't seen this friend in a while. Asked her when she talked with him, she said a while back and that she has been thinking of me etc. He let her know that we weren't together anymore (letting her presume it was a mutual decision) and that he thinks I am doing really well...
Great, how do I respond to this 'mutual decision'???? It makes me sick.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Oh and by the way, she went into the "I am so shocked" was clearly upset by the news... "do you think there is any way you might get back together"? She really means well.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
how do I respond to this 'mutual decision'???? It makes me sick
With the truth!
Everyone who finds out will say there shocked! They will say: "I thought you guys would have been together forever" blah blah blah....
Do not let your H manipulate the truth.
It wasn't mutual, he decided to bring someone else into our marriage. I decided I do not want to share a H.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Passionate Marriage is a terrific book! He also has a good one called Resurrecting Sex.
The more you can focus on yourself, even if the feelings are uncomfortable, and the less on what is going on with H, the better things will go for you. You cannot change him, only yourself.
blgp - just skimmed a bit of your sitch. I'll take time to read more later. We seem to have a similar sitch. WH and I work at the same university and OW is a grad student here.
Personally, I would tell people the truth, too. I don't sugar coat anything if someone comes up to me. If he's going to lie, I am going to straighten it out. You don't have to go into it with everyone, but you can say that it isn't mutual and he left you. You can even say you suspect there is a OW without saying who it is. People will figure it out.
It seems my WH wants to get caught, too. It was so easy for me to figure things out, I was actually a little surprised. I don't understand the mentality of that, either.
Be strong! Take your time figuring out what is best for YOU.
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
