Facing the music

[Forrest Gump]

"“Acts of service” This strikes me as about right. This will sound strange. While we were dating, one day while I was at work she went to my house and got my car detailed. I still consider this the single nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I know that really isn’t true in actuality, but I was just bowled over that someone would just do that for me for no apparent reason."

If I said to you.. People will show you the way to love them.. how would you apply that to this situation? People do this unintentionally most of the time. Also most people will claim that the nicest things they have had done to/for them.. were things that seemed to come "out of the blue". What would motivate someone to act in this manner?

So. Acts. Hmm.. do any of the other LL's seem to fit you also? We typically are a blend of them.. based on circumstances of the time you take the test. There should be 1 that really sticks out to you thou. How do you show Love to someone who is a Act's person?

"She wanted to be noticed. She wanted me to WANT to know her. In both the biblical and literal sense. Often she said “I don’t think you even like me”. She wanted me to be amazed by her. One thing I found really hard was showing her I appreciate her for the things she liked about herself. They aren’t in my top 10 list of her wonderful qualities, but she wanted validation in these areas."

Well technically.. your job is to know her. Inside and out. You should be amazed by her. Most of us men talk a different language than our partner.. this is why it seems difficult to get across what we want to say. It is amazing.. and kinda disheartening.. that we can live with someone for years and miss so much.

So.. if we apply this to your "stitch" we come up with this.

You both have made mistakes. You are equal in the mistakes. Even though your feelings may be more hurt.. Just look at things as you both did this! No one is more at fault than the other.

"Really I want to be a better person in general."

So how can you implement this in your life now?

"I think the real question is what can I influence."

You could use that word. Influence can be a precursor to Control and Power.

"When I ponder this, what I think it means is that I need to me more engaged with her life, and more creative in how I go about helping her get what she needs. I need to help her rather than tell her."

You need to be engaged but you also need to communicate better.. most likely. Even though she says you should do "X".. that does not mean that she wants you to do it the way you perceive it. I like that you said be creative. If you can talk to someone without opening your mouth.. then you are communicating.

"I need an opening with her. Perhaps it will come and I have some ideas. But I do worry I’ll overwhelm her."

Try not to overwhelm her.. cause then you will hear.. "That is fake.. it is not real". Openings will come.. you just have to "see" them. Hone your skill on people around you. Wake up in the morning and decide to pick out times where you could help or enlighten a random person that crosses your path. Don't try and create openings. Let them happen naturally. Apply the same in even the smallest interaction you have with your wife now. If you get an email from her.. and it makes you mad.. when you type back the response.. make sure you force yourself to smile the entire time you are typing. Simple.. small steps.. thought out smartly.. will move you forward.

"Because that is about the only part of my life I have not neglected over the last few years."

So what should you be doing?

"Two things. One, be more respectful of her and others (golden rule). Two, pursue more, be less passive."

I think you can do better than that.. that seemed like a canned answer. The first thing you need to do is respect your self and the life you have created. Even if your life is horrible.. you still created it. You put work into it. You are reaching out.. to get help.. which is a smart thing. It is a respectable thing. Stand by your decisions. Even the ones that sucked.

Lets be very careful in your pursuing right now. You can be less passive without pursuing. Try small things and monitor the response. Be coy. Be creative.. but not over the top. You don't want to overwhelm her.. remember. Plus.. it will be fake. Once you get the goal.. things will flounder again.

My personal take.. is if you can Love her like a friend.. she will gain respect for you.

"No really. Shipping takes like 6 weeks to get here. I’ll be gone by then."

I am kinda harping on this.. partly out of sarcasm.. partly to prove a point.

You could get it.. if you knew how.

You can download 6gigs of information In roughly 6 hours with a connection speed of 256k. A DVD is slightly over 4gig.

Would it be legal? No.
Could it be done? As long as you know where to look.

The point is.. if you have all the information.. and understand how to apply it.. you can do anything.. even overcome 6 weeks of shipping.

"If I ever meet you I’ll buy you a beer."

Not a big fan of beer.. a mixed drink I am good with. And thanks for the offer.

But.. I would much rather "see" you do something different.. and stand out. Read what we are telling you.. and figure out how to use it in your life to create a change. If she can create "change".. you can to.