I have just ordered the book so please forgive me if I have no idea on some things. For the past 2 days i have read this forum. alternatively relieved that I have found out WTH is going on and apprehensive about what has happened. Although to be honest I thought it was depression as 9 years ago I was the WAW due to post natal depression and his symptoms were similar in some ways but not all. His behaviour is more consistent with MLC.
We have been together 18 years. We have 5 children together. Looking back i spose there was an 18 month period before the bomb drop. In feb 3 weeks before bomb i felt him turn. Things he had always done just stopped. so I asked and was fobbed off. three weeks after i pushed again and was told ILYbnilWy it;s not you it's me.... no actually it is you, you left me 9 years ago... it was all my fault... 1 week later he was with someone else who was still married. 6 weeks after that he was and is living with her.
He is great with the kids. he has them every weekend.
He is here for tea 3 times a week. I refuse to involve the children in this they are not pawns to be played. Whether or not we reconcile I will be friendly.
His confusing behavour has been exacerbated by me. He started to flirt with me and I responded. And so I became the OW (but for this she will be OW). Not the best situation but for H he has never been into casual sex and it was always a way for him to be close to me. PLease note this was my choice and I don't regret it. I may want to change it now but I don't regret it.
I have detached somewhat as even when we ML I do not see this as him coming home. We have had some problems the last week or so. His OW found out about us as I had sent him an email unaware she had access to his account stating that we could no longer carry on the way we were.
So he told her whatever she wanted to hear and he is still there. he has told me he wants to come home but can't. And I actually get that from when I left, doesn't mean he will I know this.
I really need to read this book. LOL
I have some small goals. - when he says something to me to blame me I will say I am sorry you feel that way. I will no longer defend myself against his attacks (which are few and far between) - I won't leap to the phone or answer his texts promptly. - On the weekend when he takes the girls I will try and get out and try new things. Money is limited but I will do something. - I am going to start my hobbies again and if I truly find no joy in them sell the stuff and try something new.
OK any questions any advice besides the obvious don't ML with him again? Don't think it was the wrong thing to do maybe not helpful. I did not initiate in fact affection wise I have not done much initiating at all. If he shows I reciprocate but gently.
Ugh confusion reigns especially when the girls tell me in passing (I never question) how he acts around OW, which in some ways is worse then me as he at least tends to be respectful to me on front of our children.
It hurt alot and I would say pain will continue to pop up. With Xmas coming up there will be issues that I will need to deal with. Altho if it has been anything like other occurences he has been home. Mothers day he stayed, fathers day he stayed although it was his weekend to have them he bought them home as it is family stuff. Their birthdays he stayed. Anyway Ho everyone, maybe we can knock some sense into me hey?
I have some small goals. - when he says something to me to blame me I will say I am sorry you feel that way. I will no longer defend myself against his attacks (which are few and far between) - I won't leap to the phone or answer his texts promptly. - On the weekend when he takes the girls I will try and get out and try new things. Money is limited but I will do something. - I am going to start my hobbies again and if I truly find no joy in them sell the stuff and try something new.
Welcome to Club Crazy!
Brilliant!
Goals are a must and these are a perfect start. They all are a step in the right direction and are focus around the right person. You.
Sorry that you find yourself here...welcome to the best place you would not want to be.
As Cat pointed out read the MLC resources, which Cadet will be posting shortly.
What I can tell you right now, is that it is not over. Believe....just believe...
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. Although I am not on the board that much anymore.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Will Do LOL once I have the book in my hot little hands. Trying to find it in the land down under, well, I have to wait for it to come from Amazon.
Cat04 this place is why I now think it IS MLC. Like so many others I bandied the term about laughingly but yes now I know it is really. I read the tongue in cheek article about MLC for Dummies and although I laughed it hit home as well.
Ericsant2 I do believe. Although an Alien for the most part is in my H's body every so often I see flashes of him and have seen more and more. I won't be so hurt when he turns and bolts again. I haven't done anything wrong. The only thing I can change is me.
Quote:
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra new and improved list of links.
woohoo LOL
Thanks Cadet I will be doing some reading later on.
It is lovely to know I am not alone in my thinking. I am tired of everyone saying move on. Forget him blah blah blah. I will move on with my life but it will be in a loving caring manner.
Depression sucks no matter what its form and although I can't help him he has to do this by himself, I want to be there for when the fog lifts and he has reconciled himself with himself so that he still has a friend at least.
This is the best place you can be. Learn from others and improve yourself. Patience is the key. You will need a lot of it. Every situation is different. Some MLCers run far away, others seem to need to have their LBS nearby. Detachment is easier with no contact but if he seems to need contact, it's not wrong to continue provided that you can handle it mentally. It just can make detachment more difficult. Read as much as you can and get to work on yourself. Sounds like you're on the right track!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Welcome to the boards, hate that you are here though. Its not easy but lots of people are here to help you along the way!
I myself became the OW when my H left. His OW found out too. BUt I can say that relationship eventually ended, took a couple of years, but she never could trust him in the end. I doubt the OW in your case will ever be able to trust him.
Take care
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
It breaks my heart that we have another friend amongst us, but I will tell you that you will find strength here, you will find guidance and you will find friendship.
I am still fairly new on these boards, since July, but I am also having the sex issue. A lot of the people on these boards have at one time or another had the sex issue too and they have given me great advice. Just be really careful that you don't get hurt MORE than you already have been. Sex usually doesn't come without emotion when you love someone (and since you are my age and have 5 kids...I would say that the two of you LOVED A LOT and frequently!LOL!)
keep posting - use this board to vent and find yourself. We are here for you.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
