I like Soleil's suggestion of writing a letter, SoA. I've written my H a letter in the past and it was very helpful to me as well. Just a question as well - have you forgiven yourself yet?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I like Soleil's suggestion of writing a letter, SoA. I've written my H a letter in the past and it was very helpful to me as well. Just a question as well - have you forgiven yourself yet?
No, I haven't forgiven myself yet. I feel very guilty for what I've done, for thinking I could do those things and get away with it, for hurting my husband, for breaking up our marriage. I had an emotional affair (yes, Dance Queen, I said it) with a man, men actually, as I was a repeat offender, who I didn't even have real feelings for. When they would get too clingy, or start to want too much (i.e, they wanted to meet in real life), I'd cut them off and move on to the next one. Or I'd object about getting together, making one excuse after another, until they would finally give up and leave me alone. I just liked the excitement and attention. I'm guessing my husband assumes that I'm either just sleezy, and he isn't interested in sleezy, or that I really had feelings for these men. Either way, I don't know what to do. Do the divorce busting rules apply to those who are the guilty party wanting to fight for their marriage when the innocent spouse says they're are done?
SoA. I'm so sorry for your sitch, I can see how much pain you're in. I do think divorce busting has a lot to offer to us all in that you can make a difference in your relationships, (even if you're the only one trying) because you start with the changes you make within yourself.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Not clinging/pursuing/needing, 180's, GAL's are giant thumbs ups, I think.
I can tell you from my own sitch that any pursuing/clinging/needy/wanting behavior does NOT work in situations like ours. Time and space are your friends.
Validating your husband's hurt IF/WHEN HE BRINGS IT UP and telling him how sorry you are for hurting him may help. And taking responsibility for YOUR PART (but not ALL) of the deterioration of your relationship.
Taking amends in your life (whether it's IC or reading self-help books) to understand and prevent for the future why you engaged in EAs. IF YOUR HUSBAND EVER BRINGS IT UP, you could mention what amends you have taken/are taking in your life so that you will never engage in such behaviors again.
Ultimately, though, this is all about whether our spouse's decide it is something they can try to forgive -- whether they can decide the pain/risk of being with us may not outweigh the (potential?) benefits/happiness of being with us. I think that aAnything you do to try to force the issue while they are not ready to or are still angry/resentful will just backfire. This is why you need to focus on bettering and forgiving yourself. And to be ready for if/when your H might venture back towards you. Be PREPARED to validate your husband's hurt and be the best, happiest version of yourself you can be should he send feelers out to you.
Caveat that I may not know what I am talking about since I am still separated. BUT, things between my W and I are not as awful as they were a few months ago.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I sometimes get emails from people who are trying very hard to restore their marriage and their life after they were the one who cheated or had an affair. But, even though they're trying their best, they can't seem to get past the guilt and shame that their actions have brought. This in turn can affect their ability to save their marriage or to rebuild their relationship with their loved one or spouse (even if that same person is willing to make things work.) So, in the following article, I will offer some insights and tips that will hopefully help you to finally ditch the guilt once and for all.
What's Done Is Done. You Can't Take Back The Affair, But You Can Control Your Actions Today: In much the same way that worry can be said to be a wasteful emotion, the same can be said for guilt. The truth is, you can't turn back time and make it so the affair or the cheating never happened, although I'm sure that you would sometimes like to. So, dwelling on something that can never really happen is pointless.
You can't control the past. You can however, control how you conduct yourself today. I know that this is easier said than done, but vow to approach every day as a new opportunity to make things right. You might feel as though you've having to live with and to deal with the past as far as your spouse or loved one is concerned. This is understandable and you can not always control how they are feeling or coping. You can however, control the way that YOU are feeling and coping. Vow today, at least as far as yourself is concerned, to work in the present and the future rather than in the past.
Make Sure That Your Spouse Knows How Sorry You Are And Give Them A Relationship Or A Resolution That They Can Look Forward To: One sure way to leave the past behind is to create a future that makes you want to look forward rather than back. It's equally as important that you adequately express how sorry you are so that you can move forward knowing that you haven't left things unsaid. Often, people who cheated feel so much shame and guilt, that they will turn inward and clam up when what they really need to do is to take their loved on by the hand, look them in the eye, and offer up a very heartfelt and meaningful apology.
You want to make it very clear that you understand how wrong and devastating your actions were and that you're going to spend the coming days, weeks, months, and years making this up to them by becoming the best spouse that you possibly can and by producing a relationship and partner that is much better than what they had before.
With these things said, you will know that you are doing all that you can. And, you'll know that you are giving them the partner that they deserve. Many people do not connect the dots to realize that their guilt and shame is negatively affecting their spouse as much as it is affecting them. This misplaced guilt makes you hesitant and only partly there. It keeps you from giving your all and from from giving the affection and reassurance that I can almost guarantee your spouse really wants right now.
Understand Why You Took This Actions (And Help Them To Understand It As Well) So That You Don't Have To Worry That It will Happen Again: Often, the guilt that you're feeling goes hand and hand with the doubt that you might feel when you try to rebuild. If you don't understand why this happened and then go about placing safeguards in place, you will allow for your doubt to seep through and sabotage things moving forward.
Don't get me wrong. There really isn't a valid "excuse" for cheating. There is always another choice. But, if you can understand why you did it (and help your loved one understand also) then this can help to begin the healing process and can help you begin to ditch that guilt. Once you've done this and are confident that you and your spouse don't have to worry about dealing with this again in the future, you will begin to gain the confidence that this situation can be rectified and fixed.
And frankly, knowing that you've righted the wrong so much that your and your spouse have never been happier and more fulfilled is the best way to begin to move on. Moving on is often the first process of getting past the guilt. Just for today vow that you're going to realize that this guilt is only holding you back. It's not fair to you or your spouse. It does nothing positive for you. All it's doing is delaying the healing. You can not change the past. It's done and over. But you can change what happens in your future and you can work tirelessly to make things better. This is where your focus should be.http://ezinearticles.com/?Getting-Over-t...&id=3763513
Soliel, sooooo....How do I tell him how sorry I am if he won't speak to me? He's really putting a rush on the divorce. I can honestly say in my one face to face opportunity to speak to him, I did clam up (thanks to my therapists advice) otherwise I would have been pouring my heart out to him.
SoA. I'm so sorry for your sitch, I can see how much pain you're in. I do think divorce busting has a lot to offer to us all in that you can make a difference in your relationships, (even if you're the only one trying) because you start with the changes you make within yourself.