Facing the music

[NotFromThesePart]

Start with defining yours.

“Acts of service” This strikes me as about right. This will sound strange. While we were dating, one day while I was at work she went to my house and got my car detailed. I still consider this the single nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I know that really isn’t true in actuality, but I was just bowled over that someone would just do that for me for no apparent reason.

So your answer to the question was Big Intimacy.
To me.. that just does not fit.

Maybe intimacy isn’t the word. She wanted to be noticed. She wanted me to WANT to know her. In both the biblical and literal sense. Often she said “I don’t think you even like me”. She wanted me to be amazed by her. One thing I found really hard was showing her I appreciate her for the things she liked about herself. They aren’t in my top 10 list of her wonderful qualities, but she wanted validation in these areas.

How has her perspective changed? And is it a realistic view of the situation?

I think she lost her optimism. Just a few months ago she was optimistic. I don’t recall if I talked about this, but in July I was visiting her and we went to a fertility clinic. I think this has to be seen as optimistic. The A seems to have just extinguished any optimism about us she had. She disappointed herself, and seems to be unable of seeming how I could possibly get over it.
I hope it is not realistic. I am totally optimistic that I can be a better husband to her. I WANT to be a better husband. Really I want to be a better person in general.

On to the list...
If we look at it.. and ponder it.. what are things you can control?

Is control the question? What can I control? None with the possible exception of this:
- Makes me just smile!
I think the real question is what can I influence. I believe most of them. Let’s take the spending issue. For years I just told her “stop spending”; like it would have been that easy. Well it might have been for me, but not for her. A couple weeks ago, she told me:
What you should have done was to come to me told me “here is the deal, let’s save your money for one month. At the end of the month I’ll take you out and buy you a pair of shoes”
When I ponder this, what I think it means is that I need to me more engaged with her life, and more creative in how I go about helping her get what she needs. I need to help her rather than tell her. I’ve been bad about this in most areas, but not all. The one area we both agree that I help her in is work. She constantly is asking me for help with her work. I do give her ideas, but in the end she is responsible for implementing the ideas, and she does. Well. It is frustrating because she gives me way too much credit for this. I wish I could do this in our personal life. I think I feel to invested to take any risks though.

Now I want to "see" what you do with the list.
"That is just off the top of my head. I could go on or dive into any one."
Again. go with the list you have and think about what I want you to do with it...

Right now I don’t know how to do this. I need an opening with her. Perhaps it will come and I have some ideas. But I do worry I’ll overwhelm her.
 

Why does she still respect you intellectually?

Because that is about the only part of my life I have not neglected over the last few years. It is my lowest common denominator. Her I “do the work”. Reading, studying . . . I think in the end it is one of the things that I know I get respect for. I’m kind of one of those classic “nice guys”. Intellectual pursuits seem to just not be questioned by most people. Nobody criticizes me for this and it is unlikely to create conflict, which I’m starting to realize I avoid like the plague.
But this is really just a lie I tell myself. Were I a true intellectual I would make more room for the arts rather than burying myself in history and the “hard” sciences.

How can you earn the respect you deserve?

Two things. One, be more respectful of her and others (golden rule). Two, pursue more, be less passive.

"When we did talk about it, it would start a fight and she’d basically tell me “that is not good enough”."
So.. she expected more? From you? (PX-90)

I don’t if she expected more, or if we just have different ways of doing things. Talk is cheap. Rather than look to her to bless my plan prior to doing it, I just needed to do it. I was confident it would work. Why not do it. Results are more important than being “right”.

"“Myself” is harder to define. But I know I was happier a few years ago, and I liked myself and felt I was being truer to who I was."
If YOU can't define yourself.. how can anyone else? It is hard to understand someone.. when they don't know who they are.
"No. I don’t. Understand that it is just a part or my life and I know that it is not everything. This will take work, but honestly it’s like number 9 or 10 on my list right now and I can’t disambiguate it from what W wants."

So.. we will come back to this?

I hear you. I’m not punting on this, but it is really hard for me right now. The answer I keep coming back to is the person I was 7 years ago, plus the emotional maturity to be able to express my needs to someone else and to truly listen to them. I guess I would say a more generous version of my former self?

Be careful with making plans on someone's thought. (DANGER)

Agreed, that is part of the reason I’m here. I want to bounce ideas off of people.

"I can’t get that here."
You has Internetz.. You just don't know how. 90% of the battle was won.. with just having the Web at your disposal.
I understand if you don't get it.

No really. Shipping takes like 6 weeks to get here. I’ll be gone by then.

"The whole situation is forcing me to reach out to people that I basically cut out of my life a few years ago. I am incredibly thankful the.; my sister in particular. She is a new mother but is finding the time for me every day. It is bringing us closer than we’ve ever been."
This happened for a reason. I will leave it at that. Be careful with whom you reach out to. That is all I will say.

Yes, I’m wary of my family and friends. They just want me to stop hurting. They love me and are therefore biased.

Off I go! Thanks.

If I ever meet you I’ll buy you a beer. That goes for everyone here!